Game Over

Chapter 14

Chapter 14

I went home to the province.

I needed my mom.

I cried in front of her. I cried loudly. She kept on asking me kung ano iyong nangyari sa akin, pero hindi ko magawang sabihin sa kanya iyong dahilan kung bakit ako umiiyak. Kasi kahit sa sarili ko, hindi ko matanggap na isang lalaki iyong dahilan kung bakit ako nagkaka-ganito.

I really was the biggest hypocrite.

I still remember how I silently judged kapag naririnig ko iyong mga kaibigan ko na may iniiyakan silang lalaki. I was always the first one to tell them that they'd be fine... Lalaki lang 'yan. That the pain will one day subside.

Well look at me now.

Look at who's crying.

Kasi iba pala kapag nakikita mo lang na nangyayari sa iba. Iba kapag sa 'yo na mismo nangyayari. Iba kapag ikaw na mismo iyong gagawa nung desisyon.

Because I wasn't dumb.

I always knew the bad calls that I made... but I made them nonetheless. They're bad decisions, yes... but at that point, they made me feel good.

At one point, I really was happy...

"Italia," pagtawag sa akin ni Mama.

I looked at her. Halos 'di ko maibukas iyong mga mata ko dahil sa sobrang mugto sila dahil sa pag-iyak na ginawa ko. Uuwi na dapat din ako kahapon. I just needed to go home and have a good cry. I just needed to cry to my mom... Pero hindi nila ako hinayaan na umuwi. They told me to at least stay for the night.

I was glad I did. It had been a while since I had a good sleep...

"Hindi ko alam kung ano 'yung iniiyak mo... pero nanay mo ako. Kahit anong mangyari, kahit ano man 'yang ginawa mo, always remember that I am in your corner. Always."

I looked at her and smiled. Tumayo ako tapos ay niyakap ko siya. She hugged me, too, and patted my back the way she did nung bata pa ako. It felt comforting.

"Kung tungkol 'to sa BAR, lagi naman naming sinasabi sa 'yo na anuman ang maging resulta, mahal ka pa rin namin."

I smiled. I had really been down the past few weeks... I kept on thinking on how I messed up the relationships in my life... Iyong mga sis ko... Iyong mga kaibigan ko... And it made me feel so shitty. It just felt so good to be reminded that despite everything, I am still loved.

Kaya kakayanin ko 'to.

* * *

They must've been so worried about me kaya naman pinagdrive ako ni Tito papunta sa condo ko tapos ay nagcommute na lang siya pauwi. Pinadalhan din kasi nila ako ng maraming pagkain ulit. Sinabi ni Mama na every Sunday, pupuntahan nila ako para magdala ng pagkain para bawas na sa iisipin ko. Saka sinabihan ako ni Mama na kahit gaano ako ka-busy, 'wag na 'wag akong magsskip ng pagkain.

When Monday came, naka-salubong ko si Cheena.

"Okay ka na?" she asked me.

"Not totally, but I'll be fine," sagot ko sa kanya. She just smiled at me. I handed her the coffee that I got bago ako pumasok. Naka-tingin siya sa akin na parang nagtataka kung bakit binigyan ko siya ng kape. "Just a simple thanks," I said. "I needed that reminder."

That he's just a guy.

That heartbreak is temporary, but title is forever.

And... for urging me to go seek answers for my questions. Ewan ko. Every word he said hurt like hell, but I needed that. Hindi umubra sa akin iyong ghosting—perhaps I needed to be hurt and humiliated like that para talagang masabi ko sa sarili ko na tama na.