The Office Affair

Chapter 18: Grief

Riya's Pov:
I get up from the table. I feel like Ill die of heartache. I try to console myself by thinking that its her past and she wouldn't cheat on me but all I can think of is how she enjoyed her touch and how she loved her. I dont know whether she will ever love me that way. I walk outside . Its raining and thundering. I sit on a bench and let the rain drown me. I scream my lungs out because I know no one will hear me due to the heavy footsteps of the rain. No one will notice my tears because of the rain. I wanna just flow away like the water somewhere far away, somewhere dystopian.

There's a choking feeling in my throat like I drink poison or swallowed a blade. But I dont care. I sit in the rain for an hour and let both the rain and the pain engulf me. As the rain stops, I finally decide to walk back inside. I can feel the cold shirt clinging to me. I need something warm to hug. I need Anika. I sit on the chair in my wet clothes. I hate myself for overthinking and breaking her trust. I wish I never opened this journal. But now, I need to read the page where it all ended. I dont know what I expect but I hope there's something that reassures me that she wont leave me for Helena.

8/06/2020

I miss her so much. I wish we could get into a college in the same city. I had so many hopes. Life would be so much better. Meeting her everyday, cuddling with her, kissing her, sex. UGHHH the best life ever. I know that she must be missing me. But today finally my semester break has started. I want to surprise her. I have bought a bouquet, her favorite dark chocolates and also... a vibrator. I wanna see how she would react seeing me buy something so scandalous for the first time. I am so excited. I will be meeting her after an entire year.

9/06/2020

Its 3 am right now. I don't remember for how long I have been crying now. I think its been 8 hours. I can't stop crying. I didn't cry like this since the accident. I had taken the earliest flight to Helena's place. I was so excited... I dressed up in her favourite dress which she had gifted me on my birthday. I rang the bell... she opened the door. I was gonna jump on her and hug her... I noticed someone else's dress and heels on lying on the floor. Helena was in a silk bathrobe. I couldn't believe my eyes. I kept hoping its a nightmare. I kept hoping she tells me its a prank or something. All she had to say was "sorry"??? A "sorry"?? SHE SHATTERED MY HOPES, MY DREAMS. THIS WAS GOING TO BE HER LAST YEAR OF COLLEGE. I WAS WORKING A PART TIME JOB AND SAVING UP TO SHIFT TO A SMALL FLAT OF OUR OWN. I HAD PLANNED OUR ENTIRE FUTURE AND SHE WAS FUCKING SOMEONE ELSE. DID SHE EVER LOVE ME? I GUESS I'LL NEVER KNOW. MAYBE SHE JUST USED ME FOR SEX. MAYBE I WAS THE ONE WHO MISUNDERSTOOD HER INTENTIONS. I WANNA KILL MYSELF. I guess I wasn't just good enough or maybe pretty enough... I hate myself. I want to hate her but I can't. Even after everything I saw, there's a part of me hoping that its just a bad nightmare and maybe I'll soon get out of it. All the past years that we spent together was for nothing? Was I a fool? All the moments are playing in my head. All the nights we fucked and how she hugged me to sleep, how she kissed me, how I dreamt of our future. I don't know whether I'll ever get over her. For a moment I started believing fairy tale love actually exists but now I feel a sudden rage even writing this word.




I flip through the rest of the pages but its empty. This is the last entry by her. I close the journal. I don't know whether it really made things better or not. She has gone through so much. I hate myself for hurting her more when I should have been there to support her especially now that her past has returned. The insecurity hasn't gone away completely and it will take time to process everything I read.