Rise of the Dead

Chapter 13: The thing about Depression

WARNING: This chapter contains talk about depression and the serious effects of mental illness. Please read with caution.

"Depression is like a war. You either fight or die trying." ~ Unknown

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As we make our way through the forest beautiful wooden buildings come into view, their exteriors melting into their woodland surroundings. The buildings are occasionally dispersed by glimmering lakes and the infrequent restaurant or complex containing shops, the area peaceful and deserted. We soon discover the forest is part of a woodland holiday park, the tall green metal fencing surrounding the perimeter explain the lack of infected and the absence of rotting corpses suggesting the resort must have been closed before the pandemic. Toby walks beside me and I send him a half-hearted smile, one that fails to reach my eyes through the exhaustion. After a brief moment's silence, he speaks, his tone gentle and earnest. 

"What did you do before all of this, Madeline?" he asks sincerely, his blue eyes gleaming in the late afternoon air.

My eyes drift upwards to the thick jade canopy that is suspended above us and I feel the tears pool, my voice is hitched and I blink away the tears. I don't think he notices, though, if he does he's too polite to comment.

"I was a student, I was in my last year of studying biochemistry," I reply softly after a fleeting silence, my voice full of longing and nostalgia. "It's all I'd wanted to do, ever since I was a child, become a scientist," I add, as I watch a squirrel curl around a towering pine tree.

"You didn't do any sort of military training then?" he asks lightly and I shake my head as he speaks. "I'd just assumed, given your knowledge..." he says but trails off, wincing as his thoughts drift to my role in the pandemic. 

"No, it wasn't for me," I say quietly, almost inaudibly above the crunch of twigs we snap underfoot.

"Why's that?" he presses and I grin at him graciously, glad to have a conversation that keeps my mind from wandering

"I stopped believing in the military system years ago," I explain, "after all, it's only ever caused conflict." Toby nods to my words and takes a breath before speaking again, his eyes showing genuine signs of happiness. 

"I wanted to be a doctor," he states shortly.

I look at him in surprise and the words are tumbling out of my mouth before I can even entirely process what he's said. 

"Really? That's amazing! How far did you get?" I ask eagerly.

"Not far," he whispers sadly, "my depression, it stopped me from doing anything really." My lips part in disbelief, I never would have known- Toby's always been so happy, so full of life and humour.

"You see, depression makes you reckless, Madeline. I stopped caring whether I lived or not a long time ago. I stopped looking before I crossed a road, never wore my seatbelt in the car, I just stopped caring. I think a part of me was hoping that something would happen, take the decision out of my hands- I guess it was a silent cry for help," he whispers and I bite my tongue anxiously.

He watches me as I absorb his words and it's not long before he speaks again. "I was in the hospital on the day of the outbreak. My mum, she'd brought me in the night before after I tried to take my own life. She said it was the most painful thing she'd ever seen, watching the doctors try and restart my heart and knowing that there was nothing she could have done to help. She stayed with me the whole night, holding my hand- afraid I'd try again." He pauses for a moment to wipe away the tears that have leaked onto his smudged cheeks, I touch his arm gently and he smiles down at me. 

"I'd never have done it again. I was too scared, scared of putting my family through the pain, scared of it failing; scared of having to deal with their sadness as well as my own. Especially Maria, she was so young. I just never got to tell my mum that," he whispers. By now the tears are falling down my cheeks as well but I make no move to wipe them, the navy blue sky casting shadows that I hope conceal them.

"What happened?" I ask gently, my words reaching out to him in the darkness.

"We heard the commotion first," he says quietly, "we both wondered what it was and so my mum went to investigate it, told me she'd only be a minute and that I wasn't to worry. But we both know there's no such thing as happy endings, Madeline, she never came back," Toby whispers sadly, a hint of anger in his tone. I take a deep breath, trying to calm the flow of tears that leak down my ashen cheeks. 

"What about Maria?" I ask, staring across at his navy silhouette.

"A few minutes after my mum left her phone rang. It was Maria, calling to warn us, to tell us we mustn't leave. She was at home you see, keeping an eye on the house whilst I was in the hospital. At least that's what mum told her, I think it was to protect her really, in case I didn't survive," Toby explains sadly, pain lacing his cracked voice. "It kills me, Madeline. Knowing that if I'd kept my mum with me for two more minutes, she might be walking alongside us now."

"It's not your fault, Toby, there's no way you could have known," I sympathise tenderly, pursing my lips tightly after I've spoken.

"I know, but somehow, even believing that I don't think I'll ever truly forgive myself," he states, his voice cracking as he finishes. With a hitched breath I switch on my torch shakily and watch the forest illuminate as the others do the same. 

"I'm sorry, Toby. I wish you'd have told me sooner," I say gently and he just smiles sadly.

"We've all had losses, Madeline. It's how we deal with them that matters," he murmurs and I chew my lip as we continue through the forest. We're soon suffocated in silence and minutes pass by before he speaks again, but when he does, my heart shatters into a thousand bloodied shards.

"But that's the thing about depression, Madeline. You'll always blame yourself."