*Thursday Night*
Dear Grandmum,
I know I should be at school when you read this, but I can't do it. I went back to London just for these next 2 weeks. I'm sorry I'm disobeying you and I'll take whatever punishment goes, but I need to fix some things. They're really important to me and I just have to do it and Friday is going to be the easiest day for me to do this. I'm really sorry about what happened between us. Maybe we can have a talk about it when I come back. Call me whenever you'd like. I love you! Love, Dannica x
~~~
*Friday*
I gave myself around an hour to get my stuff in my house for the weekend before I went to visit the school. I ran into Maria while I was there, but she promised to keep my secret. Normally I would probably not trust her with it, but it was only going to be for an hour and everyone was in school. She couldn't do much. And the only person she could get to would be Louis.
I entered the school office, asking for a visitors pass. I'm guessing the ladies in the front office remembered me because she started to ask me how I was and why I was back so soon. I just told her I was visiting during our fall break because it was weird without all of my friends back in London.
The hallway doors creaked as I entered the 100 building. The same buliding I passed through every day after school. The halls were quiet, considering everyone was still in seventh period. It felt so nice to be in here. It felt like home.
I took my time, slowly taking steps towards the end of the hallway past the spanish room. And as I arrived at the same hallway I always met Harry in, I leaned against the wall and slid down it. This was the same position I was in before Niall admitted everything. Right before I heard the truth and made the stupid decision to leave London. This was the worst heaven there could be. My unhappiest happy place. But I didn't want to be anywhere but here.
My elbows rested on my knees as I sang a song quietly to myself. There wasn't much else to do than to wait here for everyone to get out of class and be mobbed by people who didn't care until I was actually gone. It's kind of funny how true that quote was. "You never know what you have until it's gone." You all had Dannica and now I'm gone! Ha. Ha! Well actually, that wasn't true but my mind was wandering all over the place.
My heart fell into my stomach as I heard footsteps leaving the boys bathroom. I was hoping it was a freshman because no matter how in charge I felt right now, I wasn't actually ready for what I was going to say to anyone. I hadn't planned out anything. It was more of a last minute decision. I suppose I do those a lot.
The footsteps were closer, becoming louder. They softened as they hit the carpet though. I kept my head down, hoping whoever it was wouldn't notice me at all. But they plopped their backpack on the floor and I could feel the body hovering next to me. Slowly I lifted my head up to come face to face with Harry. I blinked spastically, making sure I wasn't just tricking myself right now, although that's what I'd imagined Harry would be doing.
I rested my palms on the ground, using them to support me as I pushed myself up the wall. My hand leaned against the wall behind me as I slid up so I could stand on my feet. He didn't move or say anything; all he did was stare at me.
As if it was an instant reaction, I leaped forward and wrapped my arms around his neck, scaring even myself. I stood on my tippy toes, as he was quite a bit taller than me. There was no reaction from him at first, but as soon as his arms gripped behind my back, his grip tightened. I didn't mind at all.
My head leaned over his shoulder, him doing the same. And if I wasn't mistaken, I might have heard him begin to cry a bit, but I wasn't going to call him out on it. We stayed in the same hugging position for almost a few minutes to be honest. It was when my legs gave out on holding me up when I decided to end the hug.
"You're here." he stated the obvious, wiping his face. His red eyes proved me right, but I still wouldn't say anything. It was actually pretty sweet to see that because of me.
"Of course I'm here." I nod once.
"Why are you here?" he tilted his head.
"I had to talk to some people."
"Am I some people?" he asked quietly.
"Well yeah but if I say some people it sounds like I'm really busy and awesome so, you know." I shrugged, adding a small giggle at the end. He cracked a smile and began to move his backpack. I settled down on the ground, back in the same position, and he joined me by my side.
"I'm sorry I haven't answered your phone calls." he apologized after it got silent between us.
"I'm sorry I didn't make sure it was Louis." I cowardly looked away, not able to face him when that subject came back. We hadn't been in contact since I told Harry everything- and I mean everything- that had happened with Ruben.
"It's uh," he stuttered, "Yeah sorry." he repeated himself. I giggled softly, knowing he was trying to subtly tell me that it wasn't exactly okay. And that was okay with me. "You deleted your blog." he stated.
"I know."
"You know, people think you've commited suicide." he looked over at me with scrunched up eyebrows. I let out a laugh, making him look uneasy.
"They can think whatever they want." I shook my head.
"What a brand new attitude you've got there." he smiled proudly at me.
"Well a little birdy once told me that I should be more confident." I smiled cheesily.
"Oh really? Who?" he chuckled.
"He didn't know his name. He didn't even know A name." I giggled, mentally slapping myself for being so stupid and cheesy.
"What the fuck?" Harry chuckled along with me, making both of us shake our heads at our stupid humor. Why was it so easy for him and I to talk to each other?
"That's real cute, you know." I smiled at him and he smiled back down at me. Oh no no no. This is the part where I have to fully admit to myself that I want Harry. That I love him. But I had absolutely no idea how to do that. What was I supposed to do? Kiss him and say 'I love you'. As if.
"Like you?" he said teasingly, a mocking tone coming across.
"Phew, calm down you cheeky devil you, don't flirt so hard you might hurt yourself." I teased him back, making us both laugh together. This was too easy.
"So..." it goes silent between us again. I stared at him, not knowing what to do. He started to tap his foot, obviously just as awkward and embarrassed as I was. "That yawning arm thingy works right?" he chuckled, half making fun of me.
"Oh my gosh you're stupid." I covered my face with my hands, feeling embarrassed.
"Sure am getting pretty tired," he stretched out his words, beginning to yawn and stretch out his arms. I leaned over on him before he could even get his arm behind me, making him chuckle. "Damn you're quick."
"You're embarrassing." I mumbled.
"Says the one who traveled from America to London overnight to talk to me." he laughed.
"That's not embarrassing it's called being cute, you should try it." I mumbled again.
"Ouch, right in the heart." he chuckled, wrapping his arm around me and gripping me tightly.
'Ouch, right over my entire body, holy christ let me go," I gasped between breaths as I clawed at his arm so he could let go of me. I was basically dying under his grip. Again, it became silent between the two of us. I lifted myself off of him and he gave me a pouty face.
"Look Harry that was really cute but we need to talk." I told him seriously, making sure he wasn't going to think I was head over heels in love with him now. Maybe he won me over online, but it wasn't that easy. There were serious issues in the making of... this. Us. Whatever we were.
"I know," he began to crack his knuckles, looking away, "I know Dani but we can't do that here." he sighed.
"Obviously." I took out my phone to check the time, "The bell's about to ring anyways."
"Would you like to come over?" he offered and I nodded in response.
"That's the only way we're going to get to talk, right?" I teased him. We sat in silence again, still sitting against the wall until the bell rang. People crowded through the hallways, pushing past each other to leave. I hadn't been through so much chaos since junior year. And even then I was always fighting to get out of school as fast as possible.
"Well we all meet here after school so prepare to be attacked." he pulled me closer to him, whispering in my ear.
"You all meet here? Why?" I asked confusedly.
"Put the pieces together Dannica, let's not be silly." he rolled his eyes in a joking manner. I knew what he meant but sometimes I would just like to hear it. It'd be nice. Before I could answer him, an blood curdling shreik made me slap my ears so I could block it out.
"DANNICA!" Marina shouted, running up to me and engulfing me in a huge hug, practically tackling me as I sat on the floor. I squeezed her back and stood up as we let go of the hug. Standing behind her, patiently waiting for his turn, was Niall. I smiled excitedly and tightly held him between my arms.
"What on earth are you doing here Dani?" he wrapped his arms around my waist, holding me as if I would disappear if he let go.
"I needed to visit you guys." I whispered back to him as we rocked back and forth.
"I'm sorry I lied to you." he whispered again. I stood back from his grip, my arms still wrapped around his neck and smiled sincerely at him.
"It's okay Niall. I'm okay now." I nodded at him.
"Okay, hold up. There's no way Dannica is here." Zayn's voice traveled from behind me.
"Zayn!" I shouted, hugging him tightly as well.
"Hello beautiful girl." he chuckled as we hugged each other.
"And Liam, why haven't you tackled me yet?" I asked him as I let go of Zayn.
"Oh Dannica, you know I'm just waiting my turn." he laughed.
"Well it's your turn and I'm waiting!" I opened my arms up as he came over and fell into my hug. We rocked side to side before he lifted me up and twirled me around once. "Phew, you made me dizzy." I giggled as he set me down.
"It was one spin!" he defended himself.
"Don't judge me." I hmphed and we all laughed together.
~~~
"Dannica Elise why was I unaware of your unexpected visit!?" Louis shouted at me from the top of the staircase as Harry and I walked up to his room.
"Uh," I murmured, "Surprise?" My head tilted to the side and my arms made the "ta-da" position. He looked at me angrily before coming down and meeting me halfway on the stairs, tackling me into a big hug. I was getting exhausted from all of the hugging.
"I miss you Lou." I sighed into his chest as he hugged me. He whispered back to me saying he loves me and that I need to make plans with him this weekend. "I'll be here for two weeks Louis." I giggled.
"You'll miss school." he pouted.
"America's fall break is two weeks. Silly right?" I asked curiously.
"That is peculiar actually." he chuckled and sent me back up to go with Harry to his room. "Use protection you two." he called after us and I flipped him my middle finger as we entered his room. This time it was acceptable for me to look around his room. It was nice and tidy actually.
The walls were painted blue, lined in white. His bed was a mess but who actually made their bed every morning? His desk wasn't cluttered with papers and his laptop was sitting there neatly charging. Everything was put away nicely, minus the few clothes on the floor. So he was a briefs guy. Check. Haha Dannica, don't think about his underwear you dirty girl you.
"Try not to stare too long." he chuckled as he went to take a seat on his bed. I smiled to myself and nervously looked back at him. I didn't mean to stare..
"Sorry." I covered my face out of embarrassment.
"You're fine Dannica." he laughed at me, followed by patting the bed so I could take a seat by him.
"Wow look you're actually wearing pants in your house." I teased him.
"I can take them off if you'd like." he winked at me, making me turn bright red. "I'm sorry, didn't mean to embarrass you." he chuckled, taking note of the tomato colored facial expression I was wearing.
"This is really awkward." I sighed, making it even more awkward.
"Okay let's talk." he stated and I took a deep breath. "What do you want to talk about?" he asked nervously after a few more seconds of silence. Silence seemed to be pretty popular between us today.
"I want to know why." I closed my eyes as I decided what exactly I wanted to know.
"Why I started messaging you?" he asked.
"Farther Harry, farther. I want you to bring yourself back into eleventh grade and I want you to tell me what the hell I did that made you treat me like, well, you know," my voice faded out as I continued explaining, bringing back everything that ever happened.
"That's a long story Dannica.." he sighed.
"I came here for you. All I want to know is anything you have to say. I'm pretty sure I can deal with your 'long story'," I used quote marks as I spoke. Everyone knew that when people said it was a long story that they were just exaggerating.
"I have to go way back. Before I even met you," he sighed once more.
"I'm all ears." I assured him.
"I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party you know," he continued to ramble.
"Harry just tell me!" I shouted frustratedly, making him wince back at my sudden burst of anger. "Sorry." I meekly apologized.
"Well actually, I'm going to bounce back and forth. Just listen carefully. First thing I need to say is that, Dannica, you are absolutely gorgeous. Beautiful. Flawless. I can't even stress that enough. Forget everything I've ever said because I never meant it." He stared me deep in the eyes, making sure I understood completely. I nodded, even if I didn't believe him.
"So was my mum."
"Harry I-"
"Let me speak." He demanded. I nodded once, settling back down. "My mum was absolutely gorgeous Dannica. But when I was younger, my parents got a divorce. They got into a big divorce and I stayed with my mum all the time. I thought my dad was coming back because I didn't get it. But he didn't. He never came back to see me.
"And my mum started to blame me for it. She thought I was the reason that all of that happened and that they weren't happy because of me. And that's a shitty feeling I'll tell you that much," he looked up from his bed again, staring me in the eyes. I stayed quiet, staring back. "And after that she only got worse. Not only was it my fault, but it was also my pain. I mean like, she tortured me really.
"She used to beat me with belts, paddles, shoes, anything she could find. It hurt yeah, but she was my mum. I thought I deserved it. She made me think that it was my fault and I truly deserved everything she did. So I could just sleep it off and maybe the bruises would hurts when you poked it and the cuts burned under running water, but I was tough." he blinked his eyes rapidly, trying to block tears I'm sure. But I didn't. Just hearing him act like he was okay was enough to send me over the edge in tears. I leaked but I stayed quiet.
"Ha, no I wasn't." he corrected himself, "I'd cry all the time. It hurt a lot but I wasn't allowed to complain. I wasn't allowed to cry. And if I did my mum would tell me how weak I was. And then she'd make me stop, but again she'd continue to do it. She made me feel so worthless," well gosh Harry, I see where you get all of this from.
"And at one point in my life, she'd lock me in my room, or in my closet. Not for an hour or two. For days. For days at a time I'd be locked up with no food, drinks, bathroom. No games to entertain me. I was lonely. And I was hungry, sick, tired, in pain, I could go on and on. It was literal torture. I got so sick and skinny from just that." He looked at me, his eyes trailing up and down my body as a hint.
"Stop crying Dani you're making me hurt even more, fucking christ." he reached across to wipe my face off with his thumb, but when he did I watched as one tear made an escape for it down his cheek. I shook my head at him, tears still spilling down my face. I wasn't going to stop crying.
"And finally when I was old enough I got her in trouble and she was taken away and I got put in foster care. I was at several homes but I'd always end up leaving. The kids were mean anyways. They'd pick on me all the time. They thought I was too skinny or I was gay or something like that. It was embarrassing to even be in the same room as them because I knew they were picking out every little flaw. Every detail. And no one knew about my past either,
"I was always just going around where no one cared how I felt. It's sickening to think about actually." he shook his head, looking down and placing his hand on his forehead. I reached over and slowly rubbed his back with my hand, soothing him so he would calm down.
"When I got with Maria and Louis it was probably the best day of my life. And I hate to say it but the first day I went to our school was one of the worst days of my life. I uh," he struggled to find words, "You know when you're telling someone something important but you're missing heaps of information that you had planned out beforehand because you're so nervous?" he asked.
"Yes."
"Yeah I forgot everything." he shook his head.
"I think I understand Harry." I nodded assuringly. He peeked a small smile, but I shook my head at him. "I just don't get it," I sighed.
"Get what?"
"Believe me, I love that you had the courage to tell me all of that, and I will always always always be here to talk to you Harry. I promise I will. But I just don't understand why exactly you told me that. It doesn't answer anything? Are you saying you picked it all up from your mom? I was just your decided victim?" I asked him, bouncing my head back and forth as I became nervous and impatient.
"You just reminded me so much of my mom." he stated.
"Oh that's cute; you have a crush on a girl who looks like your mom." I said snobbishly, feeling extremely offended, awkward and embarrassed all at once.
"No not like that Dani. I mean it's just small things. Like for one, your beauty. Your long, pretty hair. It was all black when I met you, remember?" he asked me, seeing if I was aware.
"Of course I remember. I remember that day better than any." I shrugged.
"You look like her, but not in a way that my interest in you is going to sound creepy and incest like. Please don't take this the wrong way, you make me feel like I'm really freaky." he began to freak out, seeming really nervous that I was judging him harshly for everything.
"No, I get what you mean. Don't worry it's okay." I smiled kindly.
"Good."
"But I'm still curious. I know why you did it now, so tell me why you messaged me." I demanded.
"I didn't want to watch you continuously hurt yourself the same way I did. Until the day I even read your blog, which was after I posted that disgusting status by the way, I didn't even realize I was doing so much to you. I didn't know you were taking everything so far."
"So it's because you felt bad for me?" I began to grow a bit angry. I was about to fall for him over a sap story but that wouldn't get rid of the fact that he said everything in the past, and played me over the internet with Niall.
"At first. Because I didn't want to see you hurting yourself."
"You never cared before?" I squinted my eyes angrily, remembering everything else from our past. The snide comments, the rude remarks, the pure hatred he made me feel for him. God, how was I so stupid to ever look past it?
"I was angry!"
"You didn't have to take it out on me!"
"I never meant to!"
"Well you still did." I got quieter.
"And if I could take it back-"
"You would. I know. I've heard it all before." I rolled my eyes obnoxiously. "But why did you even encourage me to keep throwing up and feeling bad for myself if you didn't want me to?"
"You think I was encouraging you?!" he shouted maniacally at me and I nodded back at him, furiously. "I only said those things because what was I supposed to say? I'm sorry? I was lying? No! I did it so you would feel lousy and stupid and stop doing it!"
"Fine, whatever. You're right." I rolled my eyes, "You've been perfect this whole time, obviously helping me make smart decisions, right? My life was a whole hell of a lot better before you came in!" I shouted out of frustration.
"Are you saying you'd rather be with anyone else than me?" he caught me off guard.
"How do you get that out of what I just said?" I annoyedly asked him.
"Answer me."
"I wouldn't change a thing, if that's what you want to hear. I wouldn't change anything from the day I was born to the moment I came back and wrapped my arms around your neck and followed you into this room because all I fucking want anymore is to just be happy and you know what makes me happy Harry?!" my voice raised louder and louder the longer I talked, making me begin to cry again.
"Shh." he cupped his hand over my mouth, leaning closer to me. His unoccupied hand reached up and wiped away the tears as he repeated for me to be quiet and calm down. I got my breathing back to a normal rate and he let loose.
"You."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A/n: Okay the part in Harry's room was going to be another chappie but I decided to be nice since it's been awhile since the update. sorry i was like super sick ;c
Hope you guys enjoyed this chappie please vote and comment x ♥
also remember this is a fan FICTION. everything is FAKE? !! LOL. Thanks x
stats:
oct.1, 2013
16,591 reads, 869 votes, 452 comments
fan fic#535
teen fic#550
