What He Left Behind

Chapter 2

BELLAMY POV

28 May 2150

"Hey, princess," I start, placing my hand on the window. "I hope you're down there, I hope you're listening. I just... I wanted to tell you that I didn't mean it when I said I could use a break from keeping you alive. It wasn't true. I tried to keep you alive until the absolute last second. Closing the door to that rocket, closing the door on you, on us, is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm trying not to give up hope. The thought of seeing you again is the only thing keeping me sane up here. I know that leaving you behind is what you would've wanted me to do, I know that, but not knowing if you're alive is killing me. I hate myself for leaving you behind, but I know if I didn't, we all would've died, and your death would be in vain. You sacrificed your life, but I sacrificed my heart, because the truth is, Clarke... I love you," My voice catches in my throat as tears well in my eyes, "I think I always have. I wish I would've told you sooner, I don't know why it took losing you for me to admit that. I'm sorry I never got to tell you. But hey, in five years, I'll be able to tell you in person. In five years, I'll come back for you. I promise. I miss you. I'm sorry."

I feel a hand on my shoulder and for one, disillusioned moment, I think it's Clarke. The illusion is shattered when I open my eyes, turning to see who was really standing beside me.

"Bellamy," Raven starts, "It's been two months."

"58 days." I mutter under my breath.

"What?"

"Fifty. Eight. Days, Raven," I say, raising my voice, "It's been 58 days without her here, safe, by my side. How are the eight of us supposed to make it up here for the next five years? Monty's algae nearly killed us, Murphy hasn't been the same since he woke up from the coma it put him in, he's been fighting with Emori and lashing out at all of us, Echo barely looks at or speaks to any of us, and Harper is doing her best to hold us all together."

"Seven," I hear her mumble.

"What?"

"There are seven of us, Bellamy."

Seven. The number cuts me like a knife, opening the wound that Clarke's loss left on my heart.

"Bellamy, look, I know you're hurting here but this isn't what Clarke would want—"

"How do you know what Clarke would want? You're the reason she's still down there! You're the one who made me close the doors on her! What if she was running up to the doors as they were closing, but it was too late for me to see her? What if I'm the reason that she's dead?" I feel my body shake as I let out a sob and sink to my knees. "I didn't mean that Raven, I—"

"I know you didn't. It's okay." I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to dispel the tears that have gathered in my eyes as Raven kneels down beside me. "We're all struggling, Bellamy, you more than anyone. I mean, you left your sister on the ground."

"Yes, but O is safe. I know she is. I know that she is in that bunker, with Abby, Kane, and the rest of our people. But Clarke... I never expected to lose her, especially not like this. I couldn't even fathom the thought of losing her until it happened because when we were on earth, it felt like she was a part of me. Clarke reminded me what home was. Who home was. I need her, Raven."

We sit in silence for a few moments until Raven speaks up again.

"I know you might not want to hear this, Bellamy, but you need to. Clarke isn't here. No amount of pining will bring her back, but if you don't stop feeling sorry for yourself, her death will have been for nothing."

"No. She's not dead. I can't let myself believe that."

"There's no way she survived that, Bellamy. Just look, there's nothing on that planet with a pulse anymore."

"Raven, I'm only going to say this one more time: Clarke is not dead. The second I start believing that is the second I fall apart completely, and there is no coming back from that." I pause as I try to regain my composure. "The memory of her is all I have anymore."