What He Left Behind

Chapter 4

Clarke POV

4 June 2150

"Day 66. This past week with Madi has been good. I really think she's getting to trust me, which is good. Let's hope this means she won't be leading me in to any more bear traps. Madi and I found a whole field of berries today, Bellamy. It's amazing. Seeing all of this life surrounding us, especially after the first month and a half of hell after Praimfaya, is comforting. When we landed on earth, I didn't know if I'd ever be able to smile again. With all the craziness going on, I didn't have time to enjoy myself or this beautiful place we landed in, but Madi and I are making a home here. When you come back down to Earth, it'll be your home too," I sigh contentedly at the thought.

"I've been pretty sick this week. I can't figure out why, I just hope it's nothing serious. I've been dealing with almost constant nausea and awful fatigue. I don't think it's anything I've eaten because Madi isn't sick, thank god. I can tell it worries her when I throw up, so I try to shield her from it as much as possible. I'm sure her people dealt with nausea as a symptom of the radiation, which is probably why it scares her so much that I'm sick. She's playing in the stream now, but it's about time to have supper so I'll have to say goodbye now. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

I put the radio down as I call to Madi, telling her it's time for supper. We eat some fish that she and I caught earlier today. She's been teaching me a lot about catching fish, actually. She's kind of incredible at it, which is impressive considering she's only five.

As we eat, I can't get my mind off of how sick I am. I'm trying to eat what I can, knowing how important it is to keep my strength up now that I have a child depending on me, but I can already tell that this meal isn't going to sit well with me. I have to figure out what's causing these symptoms. Most of the medical equipment is either in the bunker with my mom, in Becca's lab, or in the wreckage of Arkadia. Maybe Madi and I can make a trip back to the lab at some point to get supplies.

"Hey Madi?" I start, as she glances up to meet my gaze.

As I look into her eyes, I can't imagine how I made it so long without her. Just in the past week, I've began to look at her like she's my own child. She's my reason to live and I'd do anything for her, to keep her safe. I have to take care of my own health in order to do that, which means getting to the bottom of whatever this illness is.

"What do you say we take a little trip tomorrow?" At that, she nods her head enthusiastically. That settles it. Tomorrow, we'll go to Becca's lab and see what I can find to help me figure out why I'm sick.

We leave early in the morning so as to make the most of our day. I let Madi sit in the front seat, even though she's so small, because she's never ridden in a car before and I want her to experience it. Even if I can't find out what's wrong with me at Becca's lab today, watching my sweet girl's face light up as she rides in the car for the very first time will have made it worth the effort. She's never seen so much of the world outside her clan before and, even though the world outside the valley is desolate in the wake of Praimfaya, she is so enthralled at every new thing we see.

As we pull up to the lab, I remember that the entrance collapsed during Praimfaya. However, having already dug myself out of it I'm positive I can get back in. First and foremost, I have to ensure that it is safe enough for Madi to be able to get in and out of the lab.

After spending a little while shuffling around debris, we get into the lab. Madi is in awe of the size of the building, as well as the technology. I give her a snack and let her sit in one of the chairs downstairs as I start searching for something, anything, that will be useful to me.

Being here, in this lab, brings back memories. Most of those memories aren't happy ones, but there's one good memory in particular that I hold close to my heart. As I make my way up the stairs, I can feel myself getting choked up. It isn't until I find myself sitting on the floor, reminiscing in the memory of Bellamy and I making love, that it dawns on me: Bellamy and I didn't use any kind of protection, and I haven't had my period in... I can't even remember.

And all at once, I can't breathe. I shakily sink to the floor and pull my knees up to my chest, crying as quietly as I can to avoid alerting Madi. This can't be happening. I can't be pregnant. I already have one little girl to take care of, I can't take care of another child by myself. My contraceptive implant must have failed. None of my people have given birth on the ground. I'm alone, with no one to help me, and very few medical supplies to help me. Even if I wanted to terminate the pregnancy, I couldn't do it safely with the supplies I have. I don't want to terminate, though. This is my baby, Bellamy's baby. I am carrying my very own piece of the man I love most in the world within me. I try to calm my breathing as I pull out my radio.

"Bellamy? Bellamy, please, please tell me you can hear me," I let out a sob, before taking in another shaky breath. "You're going to be a father, Bell. If I've done the math right, the baby is due at the end of December. God, I wish you were here right now. I hope you'll be happy about this baby, I know how important family is to you. Just think—this baby will be the first Skaikru baby born on Earth in a century.

"I don't know how to do this on my own. I need you. You're the guy who wouldn't let me carry the burden of pulling the lever in Mount Weather on my own, and I know that you wouldn't let me carry this burden on my own. I don't mean to say that our baby is a burden, but I know you understand what I mean. I mean, having a baby on this planet, alone, with no one to help but a five-year-old? What am I going to do?"

I let the radio fall to the floor as I cry. I only give myself a few minutes to fall apart before I have to put on my brave face and go take my little girl home. I can't believe that I'll have another kid to think about in a matter of months. My mind is reeling from this revelation for the entire car ride home and long after Madi falls asleep.