What He Left Behind

Chapter 6

CLARKE POV

17 August 2150

"Hey, Bell. Huh. It's weird hearing that coming from me and not Octavia. I know that's her nickname for you, I hope you don't mind if I borrow it. It makes me feel closer to you, somehow. Anyway, I'm 20 weeks pregnant today, officially halfway through this pregnancy. As I get closer and closer to having this baby, the reality sets in that you won't get to meet your child until it's four years old. I mean, it's not an it, it's a he or a she. Do you want a boy or a girl? I want a little boy, a miniature you. I want him to have your hair and your nose and your eyes. Honestly, the less of me this kid gets the better.

"I felt the baby kick today. Actually, it hasn't stopped kicking since I started talking to you. This baby is definitely a Blake, raising hell before it even leaves the womb. I think this baby is going to be a fighter, just like you and Octavia. It's the most amazing feeling, I wish you could be here to feel it. A part of me is excited to see pieces of you reflected in our baby, but a bigger, more vocal part of me is absolutely terrified. I'm trying to be strong, for Madi and for our baby, but I don't know how I'm going to do this without you. I hope you're staying safe up there, Bellamy. I'll hold down the fort until you get here, but this kid needs a father, and I need you. You, me, Madi, and this baby will be a family. Our family."

I feel myself getting choked up and I pause to collect myself, but I can't help but let the tears flow down my cheeks. How did I end up here? Five months ago, all I was worried about was realigning a stupid satellite dish and saving my friends. Now look at me. I'm eighteen years old and I'm about be a single mom to a five- year-old and a newborn.

As my tears begin to turn into a full-fledged panic attack, I feel a small hand touch my shoulder. I immediately begin wiping my tears away, trying to put on a brave face for Madi. I do my best not to let her see me cry, but she's smart. She knows something isn't right.

"What's wrong?" She asks, her innocent doe eyes looking up at me.

"Nothing, sweetie, everything is fine. I'm fine. Don't worry about me, go back to playing."

"Clarke?" I should've known she wouldn't listen. She's an incredibly perceptive kid, and she's persistent. She knows something is wrong and she won't stop until she gets to the bottom of it. She climbs up into the bed and sits facing me.

"Yes, my little Nightblood?"

"Who is Bellamy?"

Hearing her say his name breaks my heart in an entirely new sort of way. I take her hands in mine as she gets settled, preparing to hear the story of the man whose name she's heard so many times over the past months.

"Once upon a time," I start, using the same words I heard in fairytales when I was a child, "There was a space station called the Ark. One day, the people in charge noticed that there was a problem and the only way to solve it was to send 100 bad children to the ground in a spaceship. King Bellamy and his sister, Princess Octavia, were both on that ship, as well as another princess named Clarke. All of the bad children had to fight a lot of monsters, like the ones who lived in Mount Weather. But the bad children were able to defeat all of the monsters thanks to King Bellamy. He kept all of the bad children, and the princesses, safe from the monsters.

"One day, it was Princess Clarke's turn to save King Bellamy. He went back up to space, and his princess stayed on the ground to protect another little princess named Madi." She giggles as she realizes that she, too, is a part of this fairytale.

"Is Bellamy coming back?" The naivety in her question stings, but I recover quickly as I try to formulate a response that she'll be able to understand.

"If there is one thing I know about Bellamy, it's that he never gives up on the people he loves, his family. And that's what we are, my little one. Just like Princess Octavia, we are a part of his family and he loves us very much."

I add that last part more for my own sake than hers. She doesn't fully grasp the situation, and I'd like to keep it that way. She doesn't need to know that Bellamy doesn't know her, or that he's never even told me he loved me. All she needs to know is that there is hope for a happy ending.

My answer seems to quell her curiosities and she places her hands on my swollen stomach, waiting to feel a kick. When she finally feels one, her eyes light up in a way that only a child's eyes can, and it gives me a feeling of warmth and comfort. She lays her head on my stomach for a few minutes before sitting up and placing one of her hands over my heart.

"Is this where Bellamy is?"

I can't find the words to respond so I just squeeze her hand and smile, managing a nod as an answer to her question. She puts her hand back on my stomach and waits for more kicks to come, fixated on the fact that there's a person inside of me. She's distracted enough not to notice the tears rolling down my face.

It dawns on me then that I don't even know when it happened. I can't pinpoint the moment that Bellamy turned from someone that I hated to someone who I love, from an enemy to an ally. He became someone who I need to survive, without me even noticing it until he was ripped away from me so cruelly.

He's the most important person in my life. I love my mom, my friends, and of course Madi and this baby, but the love I feel for my children can't be compared to my love for Bellamy. My love for him is a different type of love altogether. Bellamy has always been my number one. I was ready to let all of those people die in Tondc because it meant keeping Bellamy safe. I've been ready to sacrifice so many people in my life, but not Bellamy. Never Bellamy.

Not everyone gets to grow old with someone they love. Lexa taught me that. I loved her and I lost her far too soon, but if there's one thing I learned from her it's that love is not weakness. You can't take it for granted because the second you do, it's taken away from you.

I thought I could avoid making the same mistakes with Bellamy. Guess the universe had other plans.