What He Left Behind

Chapter 11

CLARKE POV

1 December 2151

"Our babies are a year old today, Bell. Can you believe it? They're growing up so fast, but it feels so slow at the same time. Fast, obviously, because they're our babies and I wish they'd stay this little forever. Slow because I'm still counting down the days until you can come home and meet them yourself. That's 1,217 days, by the way. I drew portraits of you and all of the others, and I show them to the kids every day. I actually have a someone who wants to talk to you," I say, glancing down at the babies, who are sitting by my feet. I lean over to pick up each of my children and sit each of them on one of my legs. Pointing to the portrait of Bellamy in front of us, I ask them "Who is that?"

Augustus smiles as he points to the picture and exclaims, "Daddy!" Aurora takes a few more seconds, but eventually she giggles and says, "Noni!" They're both very wiggly, having become restless while sitting on my lap, so I let them down and they crawl away from me and towards Madi. My heart warms at the sight. They love their big sister so much.

"They know who you are, see? Our babies know you, Madi knows you. I tell them tons of stories about everyone, but especially about you. When you finally come home, they'll recognize you as their father. I'm making sure of it. I know that they're going to love you so much. Madi and I are going to take the babies down to play in the river for a little bit, they love the water. I'll call you again tomorrow, as always. I love you."

As much as I wish Bellamy was here with me, I can't help but be somewhat thankful for the timing of the twins' birth. If I had had them back on the Ark, they never would've allowed both of my babies to live. I can't imagine my life without either of them now, or Madi. They're my whole world.

It's hard knowing just how many milestones Bellamy is missing out on. Their first smiles, their first words, and soon enough, their first steps.

Aurora's first word was noni, and daddy was a close second. I can tell she's going to be a daddy's girl, she'll have Bellamy wrapped around her little fingers. She looks so much like him, she's absolutely beautiful. She has his exact eyes, it's like looking directly at Bellamy. She's very opinionated already, very vocal, just like her Aunt Octavia.

Augustus's first word was mommy, and Madi came right after that. He has my eyes, a clear bright blue. He's so sweet, he's always happy, and he almost never cries. He's very curious, always wanting to explore his surroundings.

Madi is about seven and a half now. She recently hit a growth spurt and grew a few inches. It's so sweet watching her with the twins, she's a really good big sister. They love her so much. I know Madi misses her parents, but she's taken to calling me mom instead of Clarke, so I know that she knows she is a part of my family. I meant it when I told her that love makes a family, not blood. Honestly, if you didn't know any better, you'd think she was Bellamy's and my child. She has dark, wavy hair like Bellamy's and my blue eyes. Her skin tone is closer to mine than it is to his, but the resemblance is almost uncanny.

If Bellamy was here, he would be giving them piggyback rides and telling them stories of Greek mythology right now. He's always had a soft spot for children. I've been telling them the myths that I know, but I only know the ones that Bellamy told me himself. He's much more knowledgeable in that respect than I am.

I've painted my friends as the heroes and gods from Greek mythology. Only Madi gets these grown-up versions of the stories I tell because, truthfully, she is more mature than most seven-year-olds I know. As the twins get older, I'll tell a tamer version of these tales, but Madi loves hearing them they way I tell them now.

President Wallace of Mount Weather is Uranus, overthrown by his son Cronus. Bellamy was Zeus, who weakened Cronus by getting close enough to him to attack, and then encouraging his brothers and sisters to join in the rebellion against him.

Raven is Hephaestus, god of fire and blacksmiths, creating all of the weapons for the gods. Hephaestus is clever and inventive, as is Raven. Hephaestus is also depicted as being crippled, but it never slowed him down, just like Raven has never let any trial or injury get in her way. I'm sure Hephaestus saved the other gods' asses just as many times as Raven has saved ours.

Harper is Hestia, the goddess of the hearth and domesticity. It's only fitting because Harper has such a warm personality. She is so kind, and she is always the peacemaker.

Monty is Plutus, the god of wealth and agricultural bounty. I always tell Madi about his algae farm on the Ring, and how good he is at gardening. There's more to Monty than just gardening though, he's also incredibly intelligent. He doesn't get the credit he deserves.

Emori is Hermes, the god of travelers and thieves and messenger to the gods. She was nomadic during her time on this planet and relied on thievery to stay alive. I do my best to make sure that Madi knows stealing is not okay, but I also make sure that it doesn't make her see Emori in a negative light. To her, Emori is the brave, cunning woman who did whatever it took to survive.

Murphy is Dionysus, god of wine and festivity, or as Madi calls him, the fun one.

Octavia is Athena, the goddess of wisdom and battle strategy. At least she is in my stories. In reality, she's more akin to Ares, the god of war, but I don't want to portray her that way to the kids. They should get to know the positive side of their aunt, the side that is decisive and brave, as opposed to her more violent and reckless side.

Bellamy is Jason, leading the Argonauts on their journeys. He is Zeus, king of the gods. He is Odysseus, making his long journey home. He is my Achilles' heel. He is my safe place, my anchor, my heart. He has always been the only one who can calm the storm raging inside of me.

Physical affection has always been a rarity in my life. Obviously, my parents hugged me, but outside of that there weren't many other people who did. Until Bellamy came along. Even the slightest touch from him was my greatest source of my comfort. I drew strength from his strength, warmth from his warmth. Whenever I needed him, he was always right there. But I wasn't always there for him.

I left him after Mount Weather, and it wasn't fair to him. When we pulled that lever, when he said, "Together," he was shouldering the burden of that decision with me. And then I left him to deal with the guilt on his own. I can only hope that this time I came through for him, just like he has for me so many times before.

All of my memories of him are tinted with regret now. I shouldn't have sent him into Mount Weather. I shouldn't have left him afterwards. I shouldn't have wasted our time together. I should have come home with him all of the times he tried to bring me home. I should have listened to him. I shouldn't have pushed him away. I should have held him tighter. I should have loved him when I had the chance.

Now all I can do is hope that he comes home to me so I can love him. I swear, if I get the chance, I won't waste another second.

Trigedasleng Translations (Line by line.)

Daddy