What He Left Behind

Chapter 9

CLARKE POV

2 December 2150

"You're a father, Bell. We have twins," I let out a soft giggle, still elated that I have two perfect, healthy newborns. "I know, I still can't believe it myself. The labor was unbelievably hard, but there weren't any real complications other than the fact that they came so early. Their names are Augustus Lincoln Blake and Aurora Abigail Blake. Madi named Augustus, but I gave him his middle name in honor of Lincoln. I know you didn't always see eye to eye with him, but he meant a lot to your sister and it just felt right to name our son after him. Aurora Abigail, obviously, is both of our mothers' names. Madi has a hard time pronouncing Aurora so we've been calling her Rory for short.

"God, Bell, they've been here for less than 24 hours but I'm already so in love with them. They're absolutely perfect. They both have your dark, curly hair, your tan skin, and your freckles. We'll have to wait and see whose eyes they end up with, since all babies are born with blue eyes. I can't wait for you to meet them, I know you're going to love them. They'll be four years and four months old when you get home. I think I can manage them until then, but we both know that you Blakes are trouble makers. I'm looking forward to having you by my side again and raising our babies together, as a team. I love you so much. Stay safe up there for me."

The past 24 hours have been such a whirlwind. I went from a mother of one to a mother of three. I glance at Aurora, who is happily napping on my lap without a care in the world. I look across the yard at Madi, who is holding Augustus in her arms, gazing down lovingly at her new baby brother. I feel lighter than I have in months, literally and figuratively. Having my babies in my arms rather than inside of me, being able to see their beautiful faces, brings me a sense of peace that I didn't know I was missing. I feel whole. Well, almost. I know I'll never truly feel whole without Bellamy by my side.

I'm planning our trip to Becca's lab in my head when I remember something that President Wallace told me over a year ago: The reason that the Ark citizens were able to survive on Earth, while the citizens of Mount Weather couldn't, is because we built up a tolerance for solar radiation levels. The fact that Bellamy came from Factory Station never seemed so important until now. People in Factory Station were faced with more solar radiation than anyone else on the Ark, seeing as their quarters were never as up to date as the rest of the Ark. The combination of my artificial Nightblood and Bellamy's blood has made it so our babies can survive on this radiation-soaked planet. I'm not a huge believer in miracles, but I sure as hell believe in this one. We'll still go to Becca's lab, just to check on some things for my own peace of mind, but I'm no longer fearful that my newborns won't be able to survive on this irradiated planet.

Suddenly, Aurora lets out a cry and Madi immediately comes over to check on her. Sometimes when I look at Madi all I can think of is how much Bellamy would love her. He was so good with Charlotte, and he raised Octavia and protected her fiercely. Although she isn't biologically my child, or Bellamy's, she reminds me a lot of him. Madi is such a good big sister, and she's a huge help to me already. She always wants to be holding one of the babies, playing with them, or just talking to them. She cares so much for her brother and sister, she protects them just like Bellamy protected Octavia. Bellamy would be so proud of her. I know that he's going to love her like she's his own child, just like I do.

"Clarke?" I snap out of my thoughts at the sound of Madi's voice. One glance at her face tells me that she's upset about something. My normally happy girl looks troubled, and I don't know why.

"What's the matter, sweetheart?" She sniffles a bit, and scooches away from me.

"You're not my nomon anymore. You're the babies' nomi now, not mine." She lets out a sob. I take Augustus from her arms and lay him next to Aurora on the blanket I've placed on the ground. With my arms free, I open them to her and she throws herself into them.

"Oh, Madi, ai niron, don't cry," I coo to her, placing a kiss on her head. "Ai kamp hir, ai goufa. I am just as much your nomon as I am theirs."

"But you didn't have me in your tummy like them," She wails, only getting more worked up as she speaks.

"You're right. I didn't carry you in my tummy, but I carried you in my heart, and that's what matters. Blood doesn't make a family, Madi, love does. You're my child, too, just like Augustus and Aurora. And I love you so very much, okay? I don't ever want you to forget that."

I hold her closer to me as her cries subside and her breathing steadies. She falls asleep in my embrace, and I carry her to her bed, deciding that she needs a nap after her little meltdown. With Madi asleep in her bed and the twins asleep outside, I have a rare moment of silence to myself.

As I sit in the sun, I find my thoughts wandering back to Bellamy, as they always do. I've come to realize that everyone I've ever loved has either died at my own hands or as a direct consequence of my actions. I hated Wells for so long and as soon as I forgave him, he died. When I slept with Finn, I found out he had a girlfriend, and then I killed him. He died in my arms, by my hand. When I got close to Lexa, she betrayed me. When I realized that I loved her, I watched her die as I held her, having been shot by a bullet that was intended for me.

I pushed Bellamy away after Finn died. I sent him into Mount Weather, even though I hated that plan. He knew I hated that plan, and he called me out on it, I just couldn't let myself get any closer to him. I was scared. Lexa told me that love was weakness, so I sent him away. Even she recognized my feelings for him before I did. When I finally let my guard down with Bellamy, after so many months and so much longing, he was gone. I was too afraid to admit that I loved him. I thought I was afraid of saying those three words, but my true fear was of losing him before I got the chance to tell him.

I've let him down too many times to have let him down this time. Closing the dropship door on him. Letting him go inside Mount Weather. Leaving Arkadia and letting him turn to Pike for leadership. Not going back with him when he fought so hard to bring me home. He has always fought for me. Even when I was a prisoner in Mount Weather, or in Polis, I never felt lonely because I knew he was out there trying to get to me. I don't know if that's true anymore. I hope it is. God, I hope it is.

He is my center, my compass. I could always rely on him to keep me strong. He is the one person I can admit that I need, and his loss is the only one that could've hurt me this badly. He has to be alive.

Trigedasleng Translations (Line by line.)

Mom

Mommy

My love

I'm here, my child