What He Left Behind

Chapter 8

CLARKE POV

1 December 2150

"Today marks the beginning of week 35 of this pregnancy. I've been having some slight cramping, but that's normal, my body is just preparing for the birth. I've really been feeling the need to prepare our little home for the baby. In my medical training on the Ark, they referred to this as 'nesting.' I found a cradle in one of the other cabins, as well as a rocking chair, which I moved into our cabin. Madi explained to me that that cabin was built as a nursery. While other members of Louwoda Kliron Kru were busy working or hunting, a few people would stay in this cabin and watch over the babies and children whose parents were out working. I was also able to find some needles and thread, so I've started making clothes for the baby. I wasn't good at it at first, but I've gotten better. For all the worrying I did about the baby being due during what should be the middle of winter, it never occurred to me that this entire planet essentially just caught fire. Winter isn't exactly a going concern anymore."

I chuckle a bit at my own foolishness. How could I have been so caught up on something as insignificant as a season that no longer exists?

"My biggest concern right now is that I'm not sure if the baby is going to be born with my Nightblood or if I'll have to perform a transfusion somehow. I don't completely understand how Nightblood was passed on genetically, and I'm the first person to be given artificial Nightblood in I don't even know how long. I still have five weeks left until I'm due, so Madi and I are planning to take another trip to Becca's island in about three weeks. That should give us plenty of room for error if this baby decides to come early. Becca's lab isn't an option for us right now, considering that I my stomach is huge and just walking is proving to be more difficult than it used to be. There's no way I could move around debris and maneuver my way into the lab. The lighthouse bunker, however, managed to stay intact so that is where Madi and I will be staying until the baby is born. At least I know that bunker is secure from radiation, so we'll all be safe until I can figure out whether or not I need to do a blood transfusion for the baby.

"I miss you so much, Bellamy. I wish you were here to go through this pregnancy with me; to feel the baby kicking, to hold my hand while I give birth, to see your baby take its first breaths. At the same time, though, I'm almost relieved that you can't see me right now. I look fat and disgusting. In another life, you would've been here by my side. My mother would've been by my side. Octavia would be the doting aunt and—oh my god, Bellamy, can you imagine her excitement over being the first aunt in over a century? I can't wait until you're home and we can tell her about the baby together. Anyway, it's about time for me to make Madi's lunch. I'll talk to you tomorrow, same time, same place, as always."

My heart aches as I say goodbye again. I've said goodbye to plenty of people in my life. I've lost too many people to even count, yet Bellamy's is the hardest loss I've had to face. He's always been there for me to lean on him when I've lost people in the past, but not this time.

We spent so many months together, never admitting our feelings for each other. I wish I hadn't spent those first two weeks hating him so much. I could've kissed him before I left Arkadia after what happened Mount Weather. I could've told him I loved him before I left to fix the satellite. But for once, my heart was calling the shots. My heart so foolishly believed that I would see him again, that I'd make it back to the rocket in time and spend the next five years with him. Five years without constantly having to save the human race. Five years of loving him. We would've had this baby together, we would've had the medical equipment from Med Bay, we would've had our friends for support.

As soon as I have this thought, I find myself feeling guilty. If I had made it onto the rocket, if I had made it back to the Go-Sci Ring with my friends, what would've become of Madi? My Madi, my little girl who I love so much, who I can't imagine my life without. She would've been all alone for five years. Could she have survived?