SLOW BURN

49. so confused

I find a single red rose with a note on my doorstep the next morning as I'm heading out for work. I look around suspiciously but there's nobody outside. I reach down to pick it up and open the little envelope and take out a note. I'm sorry for hurting you, it reads, I hope you have a good day. I love you.
-Josh.

I can't help it. A smile spreads on my lips as I reread it over and over until I realize I'm going to be late for work if I don't move any time soon. I get into my car and place the rose on the passenger seat. When did he leave this? Last night? He couldn't have driven back this morning. He said he was working. It's amazing how he has the ability to make the butterflies in my stomach go wild with a simple gesture. God. I love him so much, it makes me sad. This love makes me vulnerable. I know I won't be able to keep fighting against my heart for long. It's his and there's nothing I can do about it.

I stop by Starbucks to get my coffee before heading to the school. It's only a few miles from where I live. I've grown used to Newport. I love that if you get close enough, you can see or hear the sound of the ocean. I don't know why I didn't move here sooner. I can see myself living here for the rest of my life.

I greet Lori when I get to the classroom and help her prep for the day while making small talk. We're both professionals so we keep our personal lives out of our conversations. I don't mind at all. Getting personal at work is sometimes not a good idea and I see myself staying in the school for a long time so I know I have to stay professional.

Besides, I have Savannah and Crystal for the personal stuff. They dig at me all morning about Josh in our group chat. I can't text back so my phone just vibrates every few seconds while they text without me. I catch up with their conversation during lunch. They are planning a birthday get together for me. My birthday is in two weeks, from this Saturday to the next, and apparently I already have plans. They planned a campfire type of party. There's nobody else I'd rather spend my birthday with so I don't object.

I'm inviting Josh, Crystal texts back.

I roll my eyes at the screen. Of course you are.

#TeamJosh, she texts.

#TeamJosh all the way baby, Savannah agrees.

That makes me laugh and blush at the same time. What does Savannah have against Ezra anyway? I know she as the one to give Josh our address. I decide to ask her tonight when I see her.

I have a good day at work. I love working with kids, it makes me want to have my own. Soon hopefully...
I try to ignore the fact that thinking about having kids makes me think about Josh. He's the only man I would want to have kids with, despite everything that's happened.

Why can't I just get back together with him? Why can't I get over my fear of getting hurt? Why does this have to be so complicated?

And then there's Ezra who is walking over to me right now.

The school day is over and he is holding Jake's hand as he walks towards me. I look at him with that kind smile of his and feel guilty for some reason. It feels like I cheated on him though we're not together and me and Josh didn't do anything...

"Hey," He says when he reaches me.

I smile. "Hey, how are you?"

"Good." He looks around nervously and I know what's coming out of his mouth before he says it. "Want to grab dinner later today? My sister will have Jake so it'll be just the two of us," he says in a low voice so Jake won't hear.

I smile down at Jake who is too busy looking at the playground. "Sure, yeah."

"Great." He grins. "I'll pick you up at six?"