what you can't have (b.e.)

the other side

inspo: the other side, ruelle

~

I don't wanna know who we are without each other, it's just too hard...

~1 MONTH LATER~

Mila's POV:

I watch Billie frantically running back and forth around her room, picking up a shirt and looking it over, then tossing it in one of two piles. I try to keep a blank expression on my face, but it's too hard knowing she's leaving for the first time out of many more in the future. I never saw this part coming, I knew with her voice and music she'd blow up and obviously go on tour, but I didn't imagine saying goodbye.

I lay my head down on the pillow, ear next to my phone, softly and secretly playing my sad song playlist in the background while Billie packs. I don't know who I am without Billie and I'm scared to find out. Because eventually, everything comes to an end and all we're doing is trying to hold on to the people we have for as long as we possibly can. And with every happy moment we have together, the voice asking how long she'll stay grows louder. It sucks knowing you're the person people leave, never the one who walks away.

I wipe away tears before they can stain the edge of the pillowcase, but a few already did when I slipped into one of my downward spirals. I know now is the time to quickly get up, help her pack, and fake a smile, but doing anything other than blankly staring at the wall seems impossible to manage.

I want to enjoy my last day with her, but I always ruin the good things before they're over so I'm prepared. And it makes no sense and so much sense at the same time.

"Okay, which shirt?" Billie calls and I want to lift up my head and make a decision, but I also don't. When I don't answer, she walks closer until I can feel her standing above me, her expression shifting from confusion to concern when I briefly look into her eyes.

"Mila? What is it?" her voice cracks as she sits to the left of me and pulls me forward so my head is in her lap. I shrug but just hearing her ask what it is shakes loose every thought I was trying to shove down.

"You're leaving..." I admit, kinda shocked I had to even say it. I thought Billie would already know at least, and be feeling even a little of what I am. This just reinforces that feeling that I need her more than she needs me. I hate downplaying how much she means because I'm worried she doesn't hold me to the same level I hold her up to.

I don't wanna know what it's like to live without you...

"And?" Billie laughs, and it's one of those moments where your heart physically hurts, because there's too much pain in your head and it needs somewhere else to send some of it.

I push myself off of her legs to stand, and walk over to the window, wishing it was higher up.

"Okay, whatever," I scoff, not hiding any feelings anymore. Maybe it'd be better if we got in a big fight and ended things before she left, at least then things would be clear. I'd rather know I lost her than wonder if I still have her.

"I don't understand why you're upset, dude," Billie walks over, genuine confusion in her eyes, and she tugs the roots of her hair, looking to me for an explanation that I don't feel like giving.

"Like, why is this a big deal? Are you nervous about leaving?" Billie continues, searching for answers in every move I make. I snap my head towards her and my eyebrows crinkle up at her last question.

"What do you mean?"

Billie relaxes a little at my question, like she's got it figured out and can fix it now. I don't think this feeling will ever go away, even if I'm with her.