what you can't have (b.e.)

graveyard

A/N: WE'RE GETTING A NEW SONG NEXT WEEK FUCKK

~

It's crazy when the thing you love the most is the detriment, let that sink in...

Billie's POV:

Settled down backstage at the venue, I sit cross-legged and zone out at the small space facing the stage. My eyes flicker to Mila next to me, but she seems distant and in a world of her own. I want to talk about my fears before my first show, but she's not really here when she's here and I don't know how to bring her back. I promise myself not to stress out over Mila tonight, and to really focus, but it's so difficult when I see her struggling.

"Hey... how are you feeling?" I break through the silence and Mila doesn't move positions, laying on her stomach on the floor with her arms crossed under her chin. She closes her eyes for a second and slowly opens them.

"Good."

None of my nerves go away, though, all of them going back and forth between worrying about the show and Mila. I need something, anything, from her that'll assure me she's okay or at least trying to be.

"You wanna be here, right?" I check up, even though I've asked that question a thousand times since we got to the venue.

"Yeah," she says in a dead-pan voice, making it really hard to believe.

I don't respond, pick myself up, and walk out to the middle of the stage, looking at the emptiness in front of my eyes. Grabbing the microphone off the stand, I flick the switch to on and tap it with two fingers. I run through the chorus of hostage, getting lost in the song, feeling everything I felt when I wrote it and when I sang it to Mila for the first time.

Soft clapping from the side of the stage breaks my concentration after I stop singing, and I catch Mila with a small, almost untraceable smile on her face. But it's still there, all those good emotions are there deep down; I just have to dig deeper to bring them to the surface of her mind.

I keep digging myself down deeper, I won't stop till I get where you are...

~

I drum my feet against the ground and shake out my arms, the sound of the crowd so loud I can't hear my heart beating or myself think. I took time to be alone before the show, but now as it's about to start, I need to see Mila for that extra layer of comfort to carry with me when I walk out. The side door is propped open and I run back inside, breathing heavily from nervousness and search around the space for Mila. I almost trip over my mom's feet and she tries to hug me but I push her away to ask her.

"Have you seen Mila?" I gasp out, trying to hold myself back from crying. I feel so scattered, and I need all of me here before I take the stage.

"She just went out for some air, Billie, you're supposed to go on now," my mom reminds me, worry flashing in her eyes at my obviously fragile state of mind. I breathe out and in, matching her breathing, and tell myself everything's okay. That there's no problem and I'm just making an excuse to avoid going on stage because I'm afraid.

I hum copycat to myself, and think back to the night when I dragged Mila back to the party to tell off everyone there. Everything seemed so much simpler then, even though it wasn't; every little choice we made, every little thing we said, we did it all without consequence. Now we're here, nothing changes all at once, but so slow over time, that you can't pinpoint the exact moment love became a graveyard. Burying versions of yourself until it's made you someone else entirely.

I try to get back some of that confidence from my old self, pull up my baggy pants, and run out to the stage before I change my mind.

~

Mila's POV:

They say I may be making a mistake, I would've followed all the way no matter how far...

I don't know how far I've walked, lost track of counting footsteps. I don't look back, scared to see how far my mind has taken me, putting distance between my problems. But it's seeming more and more like they aren't things I can walk or even run away from, I carry all of them with me.

I stop and sigh, my hand clenching around the plastic bag in my pocket.

Don't do it, don't pull it out, don't open it up, don't put it in the palm of your hand, don't swallow it.

I ignore the wiser part of me and cave into the impulsive urges that lay underneath. That tell me, yes, I have problems, but the solution is in one pill, at least until the high fades.

The second time feels easier than the first was: dumping a pill out of the bag, swallowing it, feeling it go down; it feels habitual, caving into instincts that only died down, never completely erased from my memories.

I stop when it's too late, and remember what I forgot in the moment. Remember the concert, who I'm here for. I realize in a second that this was a mistake, that I put myself before Billie once again. Feeling a cloud of shame enveloping me, I start walking again, not sure where or how far I'm going to go.

I may not be walking away from my problems, but maybe if I go far enough, Billie won't have to feel the weight of them on her own shoulders.

Billie's POV:

"Thank you, I love you!" I grin into the microphone, waving goodbye and hearing a couple hundred people crying out goodbye as I run off the stage.

I expect the feeling to carry with me, but my heart drops when I'm off the stage, and I feel loneliness creep in no matter how hard I try to push it away. I look for anybody in this moment to keep me from the feeling, but I can't tear my thoughts away from Mila, sure she was here watching from the side.

I run up to my parents with Finneas behind me, and scan their faces, underneath their smiles is something indecipherable.

"What's happening?" I pull out of their hugs. Without waiting for an answer, I look past them and spin in a little circle, my fears confirmed: she's not here.

"Where is she?" my voice is barely a whisper, and nobody answers me, so I scream it this time.

"Where is she!"

I back away from my mom's hand about to drop on top of my shoulder, and she sighs, looking for the right words. I find them for her, not wanting to hear anybody else say them except me.

"She never came back."

I turn away and push open the door to outside, ignoring their calls at me to come back.

This was so stupid, I thought I was digging deeper to pull Mila out of a bad place, but I'm just digging myself deeper into a hole with no way out. I'm following her to I don't even know where, only because I can't imagine being anywhere without her. But what if she's going too far? Sometimes it feels like she's just luring me to my death, and maybe I would die for her, but would she do the same?

I pick a direction and run, accepting my mistake as I make it. This whole time I've been confused, tricking myself into believing the butterflies I feel when I'm beside her are only that. But they were more than that, they were secret messages batting their wings so quick to tell me to stop before it's too late.

I should have listened.

It's funny how the warning signs can feel like they're butterflies....

I breathe in so deep I wake myself up, and turn around, back to the venue.