what you can't have (b.e.)

heather (part one)

A/N: this is not a request. you HAVE to listen to heather while reading this so you can get the FULL AFFECT

inspo: heather, conan gray

~

I still remember, third of december, me in your sweater...

Mila's POV:

December 3rd, Mila's Journal

To Billie;

I can't believe you haven't found this yet. I'm afraid I'll leave this journal out in the open, you'll read it and know exactly how I feel. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, I don't know if we're a good or bad thing.

But today was perfect. I want to write it down so the memory never slips away. I can see us in fifty years married, when all the fame calms down, just sitting on our porch drinking iced tea. I'll pull this out of a box labeled 'millie,' from the basement. Your hair will still be blue or some other color like neon green. We'll sway on the porch swing, I'll ask you to set down your glass, and I'll read you this.

It's never really cold in L.A. But today, I started shivering in your backyard, sitting on your red ladder, with you on the rung above me. Your hair slipped down to my shoulders and you rested your chin on top of my head. You were talking about how disgusting sparkling water is, and I just stopped to tilt my head up and look at you.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" you paused. I took a while to respond just so I could look at you for a few extra seconds.

"Sometimes, I forget that you're the prettiest girl in the world. But then I look at you and remember all over again, and that I'm the luckiest girl in the world," I admitted. I felt kinda stupid, thought you might make fun of me, but I know that underneath your expression, you're soft.

I watched a smile start to spread, even though you bit back your bottom lip. You turned your head away, wiped away a tear with the sleeve of your sweater so I wouldn't see it.

"Bro, stoppp," you laughed it off.

We stopped talking and I started worrying about your upcoming tour. I want to come with you, but I think if you asked me to, I'd be too afraid to say yes. I'd cover it up with a lie, that I need to live my own life or some bullshit. But really, I'm afraid I'll do something stupid and ruin your career. Because we can sit like this in your backyard and everything's as normal as it can be, but if you take me with you, I know I'll make you wish you didn't.

I started shivering and held on tight to your calf, then loosened my grip because I knew it might've been hurting you.

"You cold, mamas?" you broke the silence. Still shivering, I shook my head, but you've always been good at knowing how I'm really feeling. You took off my favorite sweater of yours, the white one with the extra long sleeves. You slipped it over my head and gently helped me get my arms through the sleeves. I patted your cheeks with the fabric over my hands and you closed your eyes, softly.

"It looks better on you," you grinned.

"Not even possible," I smiled back.

Maybe we've had other memories that were more eventful, but I know I'll remember today forever. I hope we're together forever. You said to keep the sweater, and I swear I'll hold it close, once again, forever.

I love you forever,

Mila

You said it looked better on me than it did you, only if you knew, how much I liked you...

~

Billie shuts my door and I'm so cold. I run to the bathroom, flick on the lights, and look at myself, like she said. I'm trying to understand why she hates me, then I get it.