what you can't have (b.e.)

i think there's something you should know

A/N: ahhhh notes on a conditional form is so good i had to

inspo: i think there's something you should know, the 1975

~

I think there's something you should know, I don't feel like myself, I'm not gonna lie...

Mila's POV:

"I love you but I don't wanna be here," I whisper. I look away but not fast enough, I still see the light behind her eyes get snuffed out, fragile as a candle flame. But my light's been out forever and I can't keep trying to fake liveliness. Maybe the problem is the place, not me.

"Okay, why?" Billie speaks carefully, her hand is mine but not holding it. It's just there. We're just here, just breathing. And that's okay, but I want to be able to do more than just breathe and call it a good day.

I put my shoes up on the dash and watch her hold her breathe. I blush and hold up my hands in surrender and tuck them under my legs instead.

"Sorry, she's my baby," Billie pats the steering wheel and gives me a sad smile that I give right back to her.

"I'm not feeling good, can we just go inside?"

"No."

I look back over to her and she shakes her head, confused.

"I just don't understand what you meant and I don't wanna ignore how you feel. Like, it's okay if you don't wanna live with me..."

I quickly shake my head and lean back over to her.

"Ah, it's not that... Actually, I can explain, but let's drive," I get an idea and Billie gets hopeful and smiles, turning the key.

How would you know? It doesn't show...

We're walking down a sidewalk that would be busy during the day, but it's too late for that. Everything's lit up but the people are missing, like a ghost town. I pull out my phone and Billie just watches me play a song. She scrunches up her forehead and looks at me, lost.

"Why is it so slow?"

I show her the screen, a song in slowed and reverb.

"This is what I hear when people talk. It's slower than normal and I know that, I know it doesn't sound right but I can't hear it like everyone else. And I used to be able to hear it normally, but the more things happen, the beat gets slower, and I can't--" I stop talking, not even able to understand what I'm trying to say.

"Wait, like your ears aren't working?" Billie asks seriously and I shake my head and bite my lip.

"No, sorry, this was stupid..."

We sit on a bench and I don't blink so everything gets hazy and the lights are blinding. I don't know how to explain that I want to blink and move but I also feel paralyzed. I want to lay on the ground listening to slowed down songs on a loop and never have to get up, because when I do, I mess up. If I would've just gone back to sleep tonight we wouldn't be here.

"You can take the happiest fucking song and slow it down and it feels completely different," Billie breaks the silence and I turn over to her. She looks around and keeps talking, "I get it, Mila. You feel like everyone else is moving so fast here and like no one gets it and you can't say how you feel."

"Yeah..." I don't really know what I should say. "But it's fine though. Sorry, I was being overdramatic and high and felt the urge to run away. But I'll be okay, it's whatever."

Please ignore me, I'm just feeling sorry for myself, feeling like someone, like somebody else, who don't feel themself...

"Or maybe you keep running off because you wanna get farther away than this..." Billie calls me out and my shoulders drop.

"I just wanna be with you but I hate it here."

"Why here though? Is there somewhere? Is there somewhere better for you? Is there someone better for you?" Billie repeats herself, speaking faster, lips trembling.

"I don't know where else or how I'd even... but I know I don't wanna leave you so I'll stay here," I settle, hoping to let this conversation die. Billie snaps her head to look at me, laughing a little, in a sad way, a slowed and reverb way.

"I don't want to be the reason you stay in a place you hate, Mila, that's so fucked up..."

I start crying and get up, making circles around the bench.

"No-- I mean like, fuck. FUCK! I don't hate it here, I just hate feeling like I don't belong here," I yell, no one here to hear except Billie. Billie stands up and stops me from pacing.

"I think there's something you should know," she meets my eyes and my heart drops, afraid, but I let her finish.

"I don't wanna be here either. I don't like that it feels like I have to be here. I've been so many other places that felt more me and I don't know... I'd leave if I could, Mila, so if you want to leave, you should leave, because you can do that," Billie confesses. My brain is telling me, run, because she's trying to say she wants you to go. But I ignore it, she only wants me to leave if I want to do that.

"Come with me," I hold both her hands and beg. She looks at me with tears glistening in her eyes.

"Where though? I can't just leave..."

"I don't know, make a list of places and we can just pick one and go. You can make music anywhere and I can write anywhere and--" I stop myself because I feel like I'm just pushing my dreams onto her. We're getting older and to the point where you move out and you find out where you want to be, not where you were born. And that place could be the same as it's always been or a thousand miles away and it's all so confusing and I want to go back to a year ago.

"Okay," Billie catches me by surprise.

"Wait, what?"

"No, dude, you're totally right. Like there's people here I never want to see again, but also my family... But even if we moved like fucking thirty minutes away it'd still be different. It just feels like I've grown out of it here..." Billie gets excited and I get excited with her.

You get a moment when you feel alright...

We hold hands just walking back to her car and this feels stupid but not really. Like we're supposed to feel stupid and young and like we don't know what we're doing, but that's the whole point. If you never eat, you never grow.

When we get back to her bed I lay next to her and I feel like myself. She starts typing in her notes app all the places that come to mind.

"Dude, why is 'texas,' on there?" I scrunch my nose and she shrugs.

"We could like live on a farm with cows and horses and shit and drink sweet tea," she pokes my cheek and I bury my head in her shoulder.

"It's... possible."

I think there's someplace I should go, I think there's something you should know...