what you can't have (b.e.)

i'll die anyway

a/n: i think this book might be ending soon... :(

inspo: i'll die anyway, girl in red

~

I think back to when life was good, I was content, but it's been so many years, I can't remember how it feels...

Billie's POV:

They're strapping me in.

They pull me further up the stretcher to get my arms through. My body is limp. I am already dead, even though I probably won't die.

My head falls to the side and I see Finneas. He tugs the roots of his hair with his hands and tears leak from his eyes. I am downplaying my panic, I am terrified. I already wish I didn't do it. I know this is going to leak to the press and the internet is gonna finish what I started. And Mila's disappeared. I'll be alone anyway, I'll die anyway. They've already wrapped bandages up and down my wrists, and I want to tear them off.

I am deadweight.

(strapped in, deadweight, deadweight, deadweight)

I see a glimpse of my mom and dad running out of their car as they attach the stretcher to a machine that pulls me up the ambulance and close the doors. I can't face them, I know it'll destroy them. It's the worst thing because I can't live feeling miserable every day, but I know my family would be wrecked. I guess I just thought I'd be less of a burden in the future if I wasn't here at all.

But the doors are closed now. One of the EMT's run's around to turn on the sirens and speed off the side of the road and swerve into traffic. I feel the woman next to me checking my blood pressure, saying something that I'm not really hearing. Machines whir and scream. I am lost in my head. No one can pull me out again. We've both disappeared now.

I reach for me, but I'm not there...

"Sweetie, can you hear me?" her voice drips like honey and for some reason I want her to hold me. I know she's just doing her job but I'm so lonely. I'm so drained of energy but I turn my chin to face her.

"I want you to know that you're going to be okay. I know this is probably really scary for you right now, but it's just us back here right now. You're safe," she reassures me. And I let it out. I sob and I shake and the bandages rub against my cuts and I barely realized she's been here this whole time, putting pressure on them.

"I'm so sad."

That's all I can say to describe it. I don't have anything left in me to go deeper into details. I said what I needed to.

"I know, I know, honey. But you have to know that you're not alone through all of this. There's always someone that you can call, even if it's a hotline," she continues.

"The one person I want to call, I can't," I break down all my walls. It's just us back here, and I'm tired of faking it for the benefit of others.

"You can always call."

I start to think about that. And then there's nobody I want to see more than Mila. If she found out about this, I can't imagine her not wanting to check up on me. I know what we had. It hurts because it was real.

The EMT pulls out her phone and opens Spotify.

"Sometimes, music really helps me. Does it help you, do you want to listen to anything?" she asks gently and I start crying more because that's exactly what I needed right now.

"Can you play the song Ivy?"

I try to relax to the song but I can't stop thinking about what will happen next. I made everything worse for myself, I know I did.