what you can't have (b.e.)

WHY AM I STILL IN LA

inspo: WHY AM I STILL IN LA, joji

~

Girl, you choke me sitting airtight, ziploc right now...

Mila's POV:

I shift in bed next to Billie sleeping softly, my face illuminated by blue light. I reread the message and type ten different responses, going back and forth.

jennifer: hey, it's been a while, i saw on twitter everything... r u okay? i hope you know i care

I smile until my teeth feel like they're cracking; it hurts to be this fake. It hurts to need to cry but have to hold out until she falls asleep. And it can't be loud, I have to stick a towel in my mouth and bite down so no sound escapes. I just lay here trying not to stain her sheets with tears or move too much. I choke on nothing and try to breathe through this plastic bag tied around my neck to keep me from saying too much.

mila: idk. i kinda just pretended like it doesn't matter but it does. i thought i was out but really u just choose the people who u trust to know. i don't trust millions of people i've never met. my head's exploding.

jennifer: wanna hang? i got stuff

I turn over and look at Billie, twirling a piece of her hair lightly around my finger. No. I'm smart enough to know by now when I do impulsive shit I suffer for months. Then the waves cease and it's calm for a few weeks or days until the next storm.

But I just... need something bigger than myself, something that can overpower my brain. Like, anything that will power me off for a few hours, until I can restart in the morning.

No, I don't need it, I just want it. But they feel like the same thing, and I don't know how to tell the difference.

"Just once," I whisper so quietly I can't even hear myself. Just one more time, and I'll never touch drugs again. I mean it, I have self control. Like, I could not even go out tonight, but I have self control, so I'm deciding I can just this one time.

Fuck I make no sense, but I also do.

I can't deal with this back and forth in my head anymore so I think: what do I want to do? And I already knew that answer as soon as I read her text. I look at Billie and kiss her forehead. I'll be back before the sun rises.

mila: omw

So sleep tight, you were right, all my life...

~

Billie's POV:

My phone vibrates in my pocket and I groan, nudging to turn it off. I know it's not the best, but whenever I feel like things are shaky between Mila and I, I set an alarm for 2 a.m. to make sure she's okay and beside me. I reach my arm out to feel for her body and my hand hits the mattress.

I try not to panic, squinting through the red light to peer around my room.

"Mila?" I whisper.

Silence.

I roll out of the bed, for some reason check under it, check the closet. I shake my head, this is nothing. I walk out to the bathroom, open the door, check behind the shower curtain. My fingers start to shake. I run to the kitchen, socks slipping on the floor. I see nobody. I quietly open up the backdoor and check the backyard.

Spinning in a circle, all I see are shadows casted on the ground and moonlight. I pull at the roots of my hair, feeling like I'm choking in the fresh air. I purse my lips and breathe out through my nose, and pull out my phone.

billie: where r u? r u okay?

billie: pls answer me mila, i'm not mad, okay? i'm just scared...