Oh How Times Have Changed

XXXIII

"I've never told anyone this..." I revealed, shakily.

"I had never told anyone I was gay before I told you." He reassured me, "We all have to start somewhere. I'm here- I pinky promise."

I took a few more minuets to compose my thoughts, thinking about what the best way to talk about this was. Preferably without breaking down into tears; that was unlikely, however. When I woke up in a tent this morning, this certainly wasn't the outcome I was expecting tonight to have. Jimmy simply sat, offering me physical comfort, but waiting patiently.

"It started when Daxx bought the plot of land up the street from you. When he was having the plans for the house drawn up, for the special glass and stuff, he asked me what I wanted in my room. Angel and I both got a balcony... At first, it was something I never even used. What kid cares about having a balcony? Not exactly mind-blowing..."

I trailed off, my voice going thick with emotion. I tried to suppress the tears, but Jimmy told me I could cry if I wanted to. At that, they started to flow like a hydrant. I found it so hard to get through this conversation- every single defence wall I had put up over the years was screaming at me to shut up. To run away. To play it down and stop showing emotion. I fought the urge to close myself off, reminding myself of how much I hated loneliness. I had to do this- for me.

"When the homophobic bullying got worse, I found myself spending more time out there. Every time I was called a mean name- shoved in the playground or the corridor- attacked after school, I found myself out there. It seemed so comforting to me to know I could end it so easily. Stop all the pain. It felt like I had taken back some of the power from the bullies. They weren't in charge, because I had the power to stop it..."

Jimmy's grip on me was so tight now that I thought he was going to cut off circulation. I welcomed it, though, because it was a constant reminder that he was still here and not running for the hills because I was a freak.

"But then the balcony wasn't enough anymore... It wasn't comforting when the name calling turned into threats on my life and beating me to a pulp. The drop wasn't far enough, anymore. One day, I found myself at the top of that cliff, not too far from here, sat on the edge... I passed out. I had been beaten pretty bad and I had a concussion, so I fainted... but I must have fallen backwards- rather than forwards. I was still there on the edge when I woke up hours later."

The sobs coming from my mouth made my words jumbled and practically incoherent, but I knew Jimmy could understand every word. I knew he could understand, because he had been there. I could tell he knew the feeling. It resonated in him, reminded him of a time in his life. The expression on his face was telling.

"Did you ever hurt yourself?" His voice was barely a whisper, concern etched onto his face.

"I didn't have to," I shook my head bleakly, "The bullies did it for me."

"I know how you feel, Andy. I've never come that close, but I've thought about it. I thought about it all the goddamn time... I was so ashamed of who I was- who I liked. I was so jealous of you, I thought you were handling it so well... I didn't know about the beatings or how you were feeling. I feel so guilty- I'm so sorry."

We were both sobbing at this point, clasping onto each other for dear life. I really hope nobody overheard this, or we would both be in some deep shit. That was pushed to the back of my mind as I cried into Jimmy's shoulder, though. It felt so good to get this off my chest.

"Don't feel guilty. It's not your fault. I thought it was, for so long, but we were just kids. It's their fault for making my life hell- not yours." I told him how I really felt, truly meaning every word.