One night with a billionaire

41. L U C Y

What was I thinking? Sleeping with Bax was only confusing the both of us even more. I knew deep down I felt something, but without all the memories I was struggling to build a relationship back with him. When he said I love you I wanted so badly to say it back. It was on the tip of my tongue. Yet, I couldn't. My heart was beating so fast from his touch, the way he made me feel, and his words, but I couldn't say them back. He was beyond perfect and I was making everything so difficult.

I curled myself up on the sofa and cried. I was wearing his shirt which wasn't helping, his smell was filling my nostrils making me dizzy and more wet. Fuck. Tears spilled faster as anger came over me. I screamed into the pillow beside me, blocking out any other noise including the footsteps coming down the stairs. I lifted my head and saw he was standing in front of me shirtless, sweaty, cock still hard in his boxers, and breathing ragged. He wasn't making this easy for me. My head was a mess and I wanted nothing more than to ravage him all over again, take control this time and have him my way.

He stood silent for a second, unsure what to do, until he knelt in front of me. He didn't speak, he just wiped my tears with the pad of his thumb and pulled the blanket over me. Underneath the shirt I was bare, no panties and no bra. So I was slightly cold, even goosebumps were starting to make an appearance. The simple things like this and the way he took care of me so effortlessly - despite my behaviour and running away - was clearly why I fell in love with him. I didn't need memories to understand it, I had right now. And the way my heart soared, felt like it was growing bigger and bigger, was another indication that he had always been this way.

I reached out and touched his cheek, desperate to just touch him for a second. Memory loss was beyond painful. I'd take physical pain any day over mental and emotional. Right now, my head was a crumbled mess, hurting, and tense; and my insides felt weak like they didn't have the energy to fight the hurt and pain. I wanted so bad for it all to go away. Such a simple ask from God, nothing else. I didn't want a new phone, or a new car, or a ridiculously expensive watch, I just wanted my memory back. Was that really too much to ask for?

When I finally spoke, it was quiet and groggy. "I know I love you. But I can't say it the right way, like respond to you with it or say it whenever I look at you and I'm reminded of how amazing you are. Because I can't remember the time's that made me fall so hard for you. What we did just was perfect, in all my years - that I can remember, no one has ever made me feel like that or treated my body with such delicacy and importance. You did all that with each little touch, the rough and the gentle, and the way you kissed me drew so much emotion from you too." A high pitched sob cascaded down my cheeks.

He climbed over me, arms wrapped possessively around my waist, and held me so close I knew I was safe.

"I made you feel like that because I'm so in love you - irrevocably in love with you, may I add - that it's all I want to do. Not sex, but, to share your body with mine, give you pleasure, be intimate with you and connect with you so intensely. I want to do this because I'm in love with you. There's no one else for me Lucy, just you. I understand that it will take more than making love to you once, and few snuggles on the sofa, but I need you to trust me inside here-" He places his hand to my heart. "- because if you don't, I'm scared we'll never be how we were." I hear his voice break, just as I notice him fight back tears.

His words scare me but give me a sense of relief all in one. I know that if I trust him, he's right, we can eventually be together just like we were before - however that was - but if I don't, we won't be able to. And I know inside, I want to be with Bax. I'm also in love with him, I just need to be able to tell him.

We stay cuddling for a while, basking in each other's embrace. It isn't until the room filters with darkness and Angels cries pierce my ears, that we decide to move.

"Oh, baby girl, what's wrong?" Her small face scrunches into displeasure and turns beetroot as she wails her way to my chest. As soon as she's there, she settles a little and I realise she needs feeding. Missing out on so many weeks meant I couldn't breast feed her which was disappointing. I was so excited for it.

Bax returned with a bottle when I didn't even realise he had left the room, and we sat together while feeding her. I was against his chest, between his legs, and his arms were cradling the two of us. There was nothing more settling and comforting than feeling loved and being surrounded by it. When he placed tiny kisses behind my ear, butterflies flew across my body. I was glad we were still talking, even if I had raced out the bedroom after we made love.

"Why exactly did you run earlier?" As if he read my mind, the question tumbled out his mouth.

I sighed before acknowledging it. "Because, honestly, I was so scared. What if we can't get back to how we were? What if it's too much for you? Or it all gets too much for me? It's all so confusing for us and I think I just panicked."

Kissing my head he says, "I understand that baby, but please, next time, talk to me about it. Don't run away. One, it's not good for my ego; and two, my heart almost shattered at the thought of you running and never coming back."

Guilt swam through me, filling my body. I know I should have talked, I just decided not to. I suppose, at the time, it all became too much and I just didn't know how to.

"I promise baby. I will."