Critiques

17 Icy Hearts

17 Icy Hearts

By MCPittpow

Introduction – First paragraph sounds better in this order in my opinion.

The Devil promised to give her what she had lost. She must hunt for souls who are in debt to the devil.  Having lost everything, Saura is willing to go past the border of evil.

Prologue – American Horror Story is not dumb. (I love that show).

-         Slightly confused as to why she has a gay boyfriend? Unclear if they are still together or she dumped him at this point.

-         'ready to do almost anything' (not everything).

-         Revise this sentence 'I threw a punch at his my arm'.

-         I am about halfway through the prologue and I am unsure as to what the protagonist and her dad look like.

-         Also why are they going to a log cabin?

-         Revise 'I screamed at my him,'

-         So far the prologue feels very long. It could finish with the car crash and chapter one could start in the creepy hospital.

-         The injections and moving around the hospital part was confusing.

-          Revise 'are you going to do it rather you like it or not' (whether).

In conclusion it felt very long and needs cutting shorter in some places. Try to make it more direct and to the point. I would recommend ending the prologue with the car crash cliff hanger and starting chapter 1 from there. Otherwise wattpad users will go elsewhere more often than not.

I hope this of great help to you. Let me know if you would like further critiques.

Please like and comment. 

Thanks

Jimbongo