Critiques

Loving Mr. Mann

Critique

Loving Mr. Mann by SNPMacPherson

Front cover and blurb

- Cover makes me think of 1D. A flawless pretty boy with a designer haircut. So at this point I guess that the main character is a girl who falls in love with a 'bad boy' or maybe a twilight style vampire.

- The blurb is short and starts with ongoing. You should tell the reader more about Crisilda as a young girl with lucid dreams and how she grows up to become an imaginative young woman who wants to write bestselling books. Also talk about her crazy family members. Then at the very end a hook about her meeting Mr. Mann.

Little Girl Room

- I like the opening, you show the reader that the protagonist has a good imagination.

- Not clear what The Adventures of The Rainbow Unicorns is (at this point). Or why it has capital letters.

- Why is Prism the most fascinating character? Is she a unicorn? A girl with three eyes? And why would she obsess over her. It has to be something really cool and exciting. Like Prism is always sarcastic and has a funny catchphrase. Or she is the leader of a mystery solving club.

- Crisilda looked at her Prism castle under her bedroom window. It is very passive. Maybe it could read. Crisilda skipped across her bedroom to her toy Prism castle where she found Peachy in her red ball gown sipping tea on the balcony.

- She knew worked most of the time.

- She was at a birthday party and so was a bit tired. I think you can emphasise this and reinforce her age at the same time. For example. Earlier that day Crisilda had been at Freddy Coopers birthday party. There was a bouncy castle, water balloons and even a chocolate fountain. She had chased the boys with a slug on a stick until it fell off and the dog ate it.

- It was an enjoyable start to the story. As the reader I do not know what Crisilda looks like or where she is from. I do like the name Crisilda but I have never heard it before, so that gives the reader no clues as to where and when the story takes place.

- Interesting choice of main character, a five year old girl. The way she talks to her parents, toys and herself helped me see that. However, you could emphasise other elements which reinforce her character. E.g. she has to go to bed at 6 o'clock. She needs a night light because she's scared of the dark.

Little Girl Dreams

- You tell the reader that Prism can fly and it is a he. This should be in part 1.

- The dream scene is fantastic. It's very childish and girly.

- What is Peachy? Is she/he? A unicorn? Or a person?

- Same for Doctor Grouch.

- I leapt off Peachy

- Ahead, I saw the leader

- Transparent rather than seethrough.

- Are the gummy bears evil? They seem to be like different tribes that want to hurt Crisilda and her friends. Are there any other sweet like characters in this dream world? Maybe a chicken that lays chocolate eggs.

- You could add sweet scenery e.g. mountains of sherbert, rivers of cola, candy cane trees etc. Lots of potential.

- It got a bit confusing when it changed to jam.

- Fix this sentence – I could've laughed from relief but my mouth but it was still covered by the jam.

- Got to the Sandman description. Loving the golden robes. But add in what his face is like as well. Is he a wrinkly old man. Bushy white beard? Dreamy blue eyes? Etc.

- Fix - Clasped my hands to my chest

- Right. The line from the song from the show. There'sa no party. That is exactly what Crisilda should sing in part 1. Maybe her dad joins in and finished the rest of the line and makes Crisilda laugh at his bad dad dancing. Good.

- I understand why you wrote this part in italics, as it a dream. What I do not understand at this point is why the story is called Loving Mr. Mann. From what I have read I would call it Crisilda's candy crush. Or, Prism's World.

- This part was quite lengthy. Read each sentence over and over again. And say to yourself. 'Does this move the story forward?' if it doesn't chop it out.

- As it starts in a dream, you could end it with her waking up in the real world. So, taking off the italics and her looking at her bedroom, maybe parents talk to her and she tells them about her dream.

At 19

- Cris is a good nickname.

- I liked the hint that she has grown up by the castle not being there and that she is writing very quickly.

- Not sure why the dream journals will make her rich? But it is an interesting idea to develop.

- Consider changing the necklace bit. When you say she got it at thirteen it got confusing. Eighteen would be better as it is next to her current age and a landmark birthday hence why it is expensive/precious.

- Than a bottle cap

- Why are there generic silver keys scattered around her room. I recommend you cut this bit. Make the gold key special in that it is the only way to open the journals.

- Remember the one I saw with Dylan?

- It is unclear that Romona is her mother. You are telling and not showing.  

- I laughed when she spoke with her mouth full of food.

- Led an active lifestyle

- The paragraph about Crisilda and Danika seems unnecessary. You should show the reader these things, telling it to them has little effect.

- It was quarter past seven.

- I liked that she is in her second year of university.

- The length of this chapter is much better than the last. Especially for Wattpad where readers generally have a short attention span.

I like your story so far, its unique, fun and imaginative. A few things I can point out are:

-The characters are hard to visualise. Consider adding details about physical features, clothes, hair colour etc.

- Do Prism and the candy land characters have any other part in the story. If they do, great. If they don't then consider cutting some of the dream back in order for the reader to get futher into the plot of meeting Mr. M.

- Is Crisilda single at 19? Has she just got out of relationship? Does she dream about anyone now that she is an adult?

I have given you a lot to think about and work with here. I hope it help you and that you take it all on board.

Good luck with your writing.

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Thanks

Jimbongo