Critiques

James the Tyrant

James the Tyrant

By Johnathonyeo, NLopez

Title cover – I like the image and dark tone, however the title is fairly difficult to read. Don't forget that most people that see your cover will see it on their phone screens.

Chapter 1 – Irelia

-         'Diabetes and End Stage Lung Cancer' don't need capitals.

-         You use the word 'rudely' twice in the same sentence. Also this sentence is too long. Have the first sentence say about being called to the school, and the second sentence for why. I liked the reasons, bricking toilet bowls, haha.

-         So the do not list made me laugh pretty hard. Very original.

-         Could do with a description of Alicia. What does she look like? How exactly did they get introduced to each other?

-         Wow the twin thing is weirdly great. Would be better if I could picture Alicia and Irelia though. Even simple things like hair colour, eye colour, unique traits, scars, freckles etc.

-         You don't clarify if the lamb chop dinner was good or bad. I think bad would be best. Make it so that it smells great but really it is gristly, greasy and raw.

-         'She took out Maria's note and gave it to Alicia' so is Maria her mother or not. I am confused. Or does she just call her mom by her first name all the time. If this is the case then you should explain it early on.

-         I liked the way the chapter ends but I am unsure of the last line. It would make more sense if people started puking and shitting and then the alarm was rang. Not sure what a 'local detoxification unit' is. Consider this, 'Within minutes the school cafeteria was flooded with reeking human waste. Alicia and Irelia had never laughed so hard in all their lives.'

-         I really like this first chapter and I can see how you liken it to American Horror Story. However many of your sentences are not direct enough and as a result are often long and a bit confusing. Read it back through and see where you think you can cut less relevant information. This will make it read clearer and open up more space for description, story and character development.

I have added your story to my reading list and I will continue enjoying it. For now I will end the critique here as I have given you much to consider. Please get in touch when these changes have been made and we can arrange for more critiquing.

Please vote and comment.

Thanks, Jimbongo.