Critiques

Hunt of the Night

Hunt of the Night by RedHeadedGurlah and 1DOS1976

Title and cover:

My intial thoughts as a reader are that this is going to be a horror. Possibly a twisted serial killer chasing pretty teenagers in the woods. I like the way that the font changes in the title and the blurred light effect is very effective in the background.

Prologue:

- after each clue). Full stop after bracket.

- So now as the reader I think it is going to be a hunger games style story. Violence, potentially gore, death scenes maybe.

- Is it WakeForest or Wake Forest Park? Choose one.

Chapterone (3rdpov)

- Why is the subtitle like that? It has no spacing. Does the reader need to be told that this chapter is in third person narrative? If not, delete it. If so, ignore me.

- The peculiar woman that appears has a good description. But if it is night time wouldn't she be cold in a tshirt?

- The way you describe outfits and individual pieces of clothing is excellent but you should also focus on physical features e.g. Amber wears glasses. Jamey has a flannel around her waist. (Why a flannel. I'm not sure where in the world you are but in England a flannel is used to wash your face). Anyway, it is unclear what they actually look like and the story could really benefit from an early description of these characters. E.g. Wyatt has a shaved head and a black eye. Jamey weighs 22 stone and breathes deeply after every sentence, her jeans have gravy stains and she uses the flannel to mop the sweat from her forehead. Amber's glasses emphasise her different coloured eyes, one blue and one green. An opal and an emerald.

- Smoky not smokey.

- Douchy looking guy. How does he look douchy. Be exact. E.g. his v-neck collar is popped and he has two pairs of designer sunglasses, one on his head and another around his neck. Crocs? A fluffy moustache and zits?

- Where is this story set? What country? Is it important?

- Text your dad line made me laugh.

- She shuffled her sandal covered feet towards the other two. Do you need to mention sandals here? Could it just be she shuffled towards the other two?

- Dragonflies is a great name. But why does the other guy quickly want to be called the sinking ships? Perhaps its his bands name or he's obsessed with toy boats? You could develop this is what I'm trying to say.

- I liked your first chapter as I am left asking questions. At this point I want to know what these teenagers are doing with Autumn in such a bizarre scenario. It's good as I want to know what the clue is and how it unfolds.

- However, I did find the description of clothing tiring and hard to imagine.

- Good work.

Chaptertwo (jamey)

- Jamey needs a capital letter in chapter heading.

- I like the clue because I didn't instantly know the answer. It is challenging yet simple enough at this point. From here I am hoping the clues get more complex.

- Moonburn? Haha. Is she being serious or is she stupid? It's hard to tell.

- Is Chris smoking a joint or a cigarette? Different things.

- Now it's a blunt?

- Why is it so surprising that he smokes weed but used to be a boy scout to Katie? He was a boy scout not a nun.

- I stepped past her

- yellow brick road (no caps).

- Bud of his joint doesn't make sense. I think you could just say tip or ember.

- She has a curling iron. Made me laugh out loud.

- When your character lose the key and talk about how to get it back it got confusing. Was the key floating? How far did it fall and into what? If it was a stream then why not just pick it up. If it was off a cliff and into a muddy river it would make more sense.

- You did what I hoped you would with the second clue. Excellent.

- Where are the others and Autumn? 

- My advice for this chapter is fix the weed terminology. Tell the reader what the characters physically look like. Cut out some of the less important sentences so that it reads smoothly.

I have given you a lot to consider. I hope this is of great help to you. Good luck in you writing.

Please vote and comment on here.

Thanks

Jimbongo