Critiques

Just another day

Just another day

By amanda1price

Critique

Overall score (out of 10) - 6

Reason for overall score:

The romance/teen fiction theme of this story did not appeal to me at first and so I let this play no part in my critiquing and was as honest and as just as possible within my scoring. I attempted to enjoy 'Just Another Day' for what it was. A story about a girl who feels that she only truly belongs in the books she loves. However I was disappointed to read very little about the books that she apparently adores. I was expecting a montage of all of the weird and wonderful places her imagination could take her. I predicted bright and beautiful characters and dozens of potential sub pots. Instead I was placed into the mind of a depressing single minded girl who only thought about how crappy her existence was. But with the introduction of a potential boyfriend character I actually began to hope for Emily. I found myself hoping that this mysterious caramel boy would change her perception of life and rock her world to the core. Or at least recommend her some more positive books to read as the ones she reads at the moment must be awful.

Chapter one score (out of 10) – 7

Reason for chapter one score:

The opening chapter reveals to us the dreams and unconscious desire for affection of the book loving protagonist. The narrative smoothly slips between the real world and the italic dream realm.  Within the dreams she longs for a warm fingered, hard bodied yet soft bodied invisible man who wears too much cologne. Just as the reader is about to learn of the figure's true identity, alarm bells ring and we are awoken. This begins the overly detailed account of how a sensitive teenage girl with self confidence issues gets ready on any given day of the week. This goes on for some time but eventually she gets to school/college/university (not really clear). I did like the way the towns history and her Dad crossed her thoughts as this was a welcome relief from "I grab my phone, I grab my backpack, I grab my car keys, I have to have a book" in one short paragraph alone. Despite this I was actually intrigued as to why this girl felt like she was so different and had no apparent friends. As Amanda is on the way to her favourite hang out (the library of course) she bumps into "Hunter" a generic golden caramel hunk with the perfect smile.

To be fair and honest I thought the opening chapter was ok. The description was good but I had no idea where the story was going or who she was. The best part of the chapter was the dream as it really felt like a break away from reality for her. However the whole chapter would benefit from being revised and edited.

Chapter two score (out of 10): 5

Reason for chapter two score

So as we begin chapter two we are introduced to the first dialogue so far. This however is still heavily mixed with confused feelings and self loathing delusions within the primary character's imprisoned psyche. She escapes Hunter and we learn nothing new about him and she finds a hiding spot in the library. This part of the story actually needed more detail in my opinion as so far her blue flowery bathroom is still more vivid in my mind. As she goes to her locker she thinks to herself "it's empty, just like the rest of my life". This was quite powerful imagery and so far I am hoping that she finds something, anything to make her happier as I am quite concerned with how detached from reality and morbidly depressed she has become. As Amanda finds her way through the faceless crowds to the tune of unnamed music she finds another hiding spot at the back of the classroom. Once here we reach my favourite paragraph so far. The writer refers to rain as small beads of water, little orbs and even goes as far as calling them graceful. We are introduced to Connor, Amanda's only friend/person who talks to her and it turns out Amanda is actually called Emily. Anyway he seems to be a bit of a dick as he doesn't want to be seen with her by the cool kids. As the English class begins, the unimaginable teacher mentions the word books and Emily shows a new and excited emotion for the first time. But it gets better, guess who walks into the room fashionably late. That's right, the only other character, Mr. Caramel.

I did like chapter two but there are some editing issues to address. One way to dramatically improve the story so far would be to mention the books element that was mentioned at the start and how these make her feel. As the constant depressing tone left me feeling sorry that she felt so out of place and that was enough to make me consider putting the book back down. Also mentioning her name much earlier would have been a great help. Not bad work but I would have liked to see more detail, characters and plot.