Critiques

He Got Custody

He Got Custody

By Jgrizgirl

Cover art – I think the title is good, but it is hard to read because it is in two colours. Also I had to google Niall Horan as I have never heard of him. 1D right okay.

Introduction

      -     Here you say he has a baby girl. Why is Niall holding a baby boy on the cover?

-         Their relationship... not there relationship.

-         Niall is always on the road touring.

-         "To sacrifice their baby girl a better future" reword this line.

-         And this one to this "Or will they both fail and give up Carly for adoption?

Chapter 1

-         First impressions are that you need to split up the paragraphs. This would make it easier to read and will mean more people will read through to the next chapter.

-         Not sure about "first day at work" it doesn't fit with the other examples. Try first tooth.

-         You do a good job of getting the reader to see how Jessica is feeling. I am starting to feel sorry for her at this point. I am not sure as to why she is so dependant on this Niall guy though. He seems like a waste of space.

-         "So if Princess drunk" what does this mean?

-         "Just give her alone"...just leave her alone

-         Not sure why you changed the point of view. I think that this should be a separate chapter as it is quite confusing.

-         If he is in 1D then he should have loads of money. If he cares enough to live with Jessica and Carly then surely he would give her a million Euros.

-         Not sure why you use the word diaper over nappy as they are in Ireland.

-         The last line "Wouldn't know what to do with her in my lifetime" needs rewording.

Your story is in need of a lot of editing. When this is done I think 1D fans will love the unique twist that you have given to the otherwise perfect Niall bloke. Very clever. Oh yes, also consider giving each chapter a memorable name. For an example see what I did for the chapters in REMNANT. 

I hope this is of help to you and that you consider my advice. Please vote and let me know what you think in the comments box.

Thanks

Jimbongo