Critiques

The Secret of Absol

The Secret of Absol

By RiverIvy

Introduction

I like the unique idea of telling the story from the point of view of an ordinary citizen. The way you explain the work comes across as very meaningful and important to you. No problems here. 

Prologue

In "the all rights reserved part" you need to take an o out of boook. Other than that it was great. Full of suspense and detail. I was a little confused about Absol being a disaster Pokemon at this point (maybe save this detail until later).

Chapter 1

I am not sure what kind of Pokemon Dusk is at this point? Is that her personal name? or her Pokemon name? Sorry I am out of touch. Other than this it was great and easy to follow and understand.

Chapter 2

- In the first paragraph about the pearls, change "necklace out of it" to "necklace out of them".

- Change "in between" to "in-between" (where Krise gets a pearl).

- Not sure why you used the term flirting as they are sisters. I think you mean flattery.

- I liked the pokegear ringing part. That was done well.

- Okay so the description you give to Ruddy is really good. The reader would greatly benefit from a similar one for Dusk in chapter 1. I have no idea what she looks like. I only know they are not a water type and they have milk in their pokefood at this point.

- change "ten till six" to "ten to six" (after Ruddy's intro).

- I enjoyed the PC conference, you introduced the new characters well. Maybe add some physical description for Mom, Dad and Gold though.

- The ending was good. I am guessing that it's a bag of money.

Chapter 3

The part where the Steelix is unleashed was cool. I liked the way it scared someone and the flock of Pidgeys. The other Pokemon you have mentioned so far do not say their names. They are all a bit too quiet. Overall this chapter was a bit too short. Perhaps take some text from the previous chapter to balance them out a bit.

Anyway I hope this is of great help to you Ivy. Let me know what you think in the comments below. Don't forget to vote and if you know anyone else who wants a critique send them to me.

Thanks