Critiques

His Girl

His Girl by chelsy_lea

Critique

Prologue

Using written numbers is more professional i.e. seven over 7.

I like the idea of them driving and messing about.

"...pry off her..."

Mom needs a capital letter.

Not sure how she sits in a fetal position if they are in a car seat. Maybe just lifts her knees to her chest.

"...onto her daughter..."

Brutal ending, would benefit from more description. E.g. But it was too late. The wheel slipped from Mom's fingers. The car flipped and glass smashed in Carey's face. A broken branch jutted through the windscreen, the engine roared and Vicky sat gasping with a shard of glass sticking from her throat.

Chapter 1

Not sure how she danced around for two hours before school.

The twist about her dad is good.

Apple, orange or grape? Capitals.

Description of brother, when he is cooking. What does he look like? What is he cooking? The delectable smell?

You ld be used to this. Fix that.

I get that Carey is seventeen. How old is brother?

"...eyes alnost black..." almost

OK – okay

Why does she need to go to the janitor's closet?

You should mention the dead mother at some point in this first chapter.

The poem is a good element of the chapter, I think it would also be a good place to mention the car crash and the dead Mom. Because at the moment it is a beautiful nature tribute, but doesn't fit in the plot.

Ciara (school's slut) – Not sure about the brackets. You should show not tell.

So you could say – Ciara swept over to us, long blonde hair flowing past her miniskirt. She blew a big pink bubble in her chewing gum and sneered, 'Awwww...."

The conversation with Ciara is unclear to me as a reader. I am unsure who is saying what. Just end dialogue with, said Ciara, said Luke etc.

Suck every ounce of saliva out of his mouth – this made me laugh.

You mention janitor's closet again. Not sure why.

I think she is hiding and watching a conversation from the closet. If so add some description like, she stares through a tiny crack of light into the busy corridor. Spider webs in her hair steam hissing in the pipes next to her.

I like the twist about someone finding her in there.

I feel like I have given you a lot to work on for now. Make these changes and get back to me.

Sorry it took a while. 

Hope this helps.

Please vote and comment on this. 

Jimbongo