Critiques

Summerland

Summerland by Lsdavern

Critique

Introduction

I was instantly drawn in by the introduction to Summerland. Cannibals, sewer people, drug nuns, feral kids and brutal families all sound like hooking topics to cover. However, as a PG 13 you can only go so far. Have you considered classing it under a mature rating so that you can make it as hardcore and nasty as possible? Also on first impressions I was unsure about the title. Is it Summerland or do you prefer Summer Land like on the cover? I enjoyed the terms post post apocalyptic and end of the end of the world. Very catchy.

Author's notes

I liked the idea of taking other people's ideas into the story. Perhaps you could say "I will dedicate chapters to you if I use your ideas".

Prologue

The story begins in an interesting sounding prison which contains women, children and thugs (I assume they are zombies). I was confused by the thug's appearance and the paragraph which explains their orange jumpers could benefit from being reworded. Then as a tank blasts people are killed. This sets the tone well and shows the readers that you are not afraid to kill anyone! The metaphors that you use are very impressive especially in the paragraph about the terminator style killing machines turning up to slaughter everything. The imagery that you use is strong and I wonder again if it is PG13 as I imagine a boy tearing open his baby sister to feast on her hot guts. As the reader I felt the terror and anxiety of the poor souls on the bus. I loved the way they saw their reflections in the black helmets. Not sure why a woman called out "I hope our supplies will go to your children"! as she must realise they are about to get killed by robots. The terror intensifies as the soldier enters the bus. Give this more detail so rather than "gun" you could say "jet black M4 assault rifle" for example. It ends strongly with another gruesome murder which makes the reader realise that death and despair are key to the book. However it did seem like the girl was about to get raped. Do the kill bots rape people? Consider adding some other elements such as comedy or romance into the early chapters.

Anyway, I really look forward to reading Summerland and would love to help you to create it. Let me know if you need any help or advice.

Thanks

Jimbongo