Critiques

Dream Catchers

Dream Catchers

By This_ismyuser

Chapter 1 –

-         talons not talens.

-         "...sense me near, by its..."

-         Not sure about "sword object". Stick to "sword".

-         "...ghost than girl, she was..."

-         "...long forked tongue tracing its way..."

-         At this point I understand that the monster is large, green, scaly and snake like, but I think that you could go into more detail and use some metaphors. For example... "slits for eyes and a forked tongue. It was an abomination, a beast born from the fabric of nightmares." Or "The creature was as large as a house, an ugly house made from many materials and colours. A house that would never appear in ideal home magazine, not in a million years."

-         Also I thought that some of your sentences were quite long and therefore confusing. If you read through your work and see a long sentence try to cut it down by being more direct and clear.

-         I like the idea of the protagonist being attacked by a monster in a dream, so the nightmare bit above would fit in well. However the monster, the boy and the girl all lacked character/personality (at this point). Also it was unclear where they were, was it a house, the forest, another dimension?

Chapter 2 –

-         So a sentence in the third paragraph is a good example of being indirect and long. Instead of "The second light on the overhang from above the island etc..." you could say "A second set of bulbs surged with electricity, illuminating the far side of the room and temporarily blinding me." So this is more direct and does not confuse the reader by making them think about overhangs, islands and it doesn't repeat the word light.

-         You say 'severely thin', would you consider saying 'someone with a serious eating disorder' as this is a more powerful way of saying the same thing and adding to your good description.

-         Capital for mom.

-         Flaming cheeto lol.

-         You're instead of your. "You're not keeping me away..."

-         Unclear where they are. You mention desks about halfway through the chapter. Maybe make it clearer that they are in school. Use a memorable name for the school that fits the town, country etc.

-         "You're lucky..."

-         I liked this chapters ending, as it leaves the story open for countless opportunities and scenarios.

So I hope this is beneficial to you and your development as a writer. If you would like for me to critique further then feel free to get in touch.

Please vote and let me know what you think, or if you have any questions, in the comments below.

Thanks