Searching- A saga ✔

22- Blue lotus Eyed Bhuvanasundara

With my family gathered 'round me,

And the crowd yelling and pushing,

I stand in the inner sanctum sanctorum,

At the temple of that Kaali Kamli Wala.

Why does He have to be this beautiful?

This heartbreakingly handsome?

People jostle me around 

Like a rag doll bereft of its owner.

My mother prays in stanzas of ancient Sanskrit,

My father beseeches for an increase in pay,

My sister sings to bribe Him for a new pen,

My cousins ask Him for better marks ,

My grandma- for a peaceful death,

My aunts- for protection against bad luck.

But why?

How is it possible?

That I'm stuck with just one word ...

Bhuvanasundara...

(I 'll thank Rukmini later)

How is it possible ?

That how much ever I drink in,

That beauty of the cosmos,

My thirst isn't quenched?

I gaze and gaze and gaze....

Words betray me....

Only that 'Bhuvanasundara' remains...

Thoughts seem to have vaporized...

Leaving only that 'Bhuvanasundara' behind....

Bhuvanasundara...

Bhuvanasundara ....

Bhuvanasundara...

I roll my eyes at Him ...

In exasperation.

Oh Bhuvanasundara!

I don't know how long I stand there.

Gazing and gazing and gazing....

At those dark lovely lotus eyes....

Which seem to hold my heart,

And hold the endless Truth,

They seem to grasp eternity ,

And calling me across ages...

I gaze and gaze and gaze....

Until the security gets vexed,

Of my ludicrous behaviour,

Which includes staring 

And rolling eyes at the Lord.

So he kindly tells me to leave,

But my eyes are pulled by that-

 Bhuvanasundara...

My head pounds,

And my heart strains,

All I feel and hear and think is...

Bhuvanasundara ....

Bhuvanasundara ....

Bhuvanasundara ....

I try resisting, but the pull

Is too strong for me too bear.

I take a step forward, dazed,

The security pushes me back, unfazed.

I ask him to leave me alone,

But he reminds me that it is a temple,

And that I seem to have lost my bearings,

And pulls me another step backward.

I reach out, my hands spread before me,

As if that would close the distance between-

Us, That Kaali Kamli wala and me ...

But I am forced to move backwards....

Biting back the tears and bitterness,

I turn behind and walk out.

Ringing the bells dangling,

On the gilded double doors 

Taking one last look at those -

Dark lovely lotus eyes.

I move backwards....

And the scene before me,

Knocks the air out of my lungs,

And in those Kaali Kamli eyes,

Of that Kaali Kamli wala....

I see myself reflected....

But it is not that, which,

Makes me fall to my knees.

It is the realisation of something.

Much deeper....

Indeevara...

The dark blue lotus...

The lotus of His eyes-

Against the dark blue hue ....

It's a painful reminder that-

I'll always live in His eyes.