Critiques

Guardians of the Box

Guardians of The Box

By LewisClarke

Authors note

The four main characters you mention here do not need surnames at this point. As it is hard to remember them without knowing anything much about them yet. Perhaps save the surnames until later. I liked the explanation about it being like a comic book/TV show.

Chapter 1 - Destiny Awaits

It's a gripping start. Just a few small points I could think of.

-         When the reader first meets Cameron Creel you use the word perfect twice in one sentence.

-         The part that starts with "Valerie was the sole remaining guardian of the box and she's be damned..." also "petty murderer" could be changed to brutal murderer.

-         Precious box in her arms rather than into her arms.

-         The first Stephanie Pierce chapter needs a full stop and new sentence start after "...woman of the year. This didn't go..."

-         "She merely though" needs a t.

-         "A a neatly dressed" take out the a.

-         "four bullets landing in his chest" change to blasted through or shredded through his heart and lungs.

I liked the "cat had dragged her through a bush and mauled her" metaphor. Use more like this in the following chapters.

Chapter 2 – Unveiling the Second

This chapter links well with the end of the first chapter. I liked the way the reader sees how Stephanie feels about Valerie. The part about the man who is recovering could do with some more bloody gory detail. Also, I wasn't sure about the "she didn't realise he was African American". You could just describe his black skin in the part where she notices his soft smooth skin.

The description you gave to Cameron Creel's entrance was great. Not sure about the use of the word coincidentally though. Maybe forebodingly or sinisterly.

As the reader I found out that there are always four guardians. But you Valerie doesn't mention any dead colleagues.

 You spelt restaurant wrong in the "monster paragraph".

Led rather than lead in the paragraph about Cameron going down stairs.

Foresaw rather than forsaw.

What was Valeries power?

Chapter 3 – Box of Horrors Part 1

This was the strongest and most enjoyable chapter so far. It helped to have a picture of Warren. Consider doing the same for the other guardians, Valerie and the Creels.

You wrote this very well. I like the escape to Remy's apartment and the part where Sasha turns up made me laugh.

Warren's introduction was very funny too. Even though he is a womanizer the reader can still like him as he lets the old couple win at the roulette table. His power is a good one.

In conclusion I enjoyed Guardians of The Box and really want to know what is inside.

I hope this is of great help to you LewisClarke and feel free to ask for a critique anytime. Thanks.