Never Saw This Coming

Fashion & Boxing.

Maddy

For as long as I can remember, clothes have always been my safe space. Growing up, I was always trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Yes, I was probably like nine and already starting to figure out what I'd enjoy doing for the rest of my life. I've been in love with clothes since before that, so I figured maybe I'd do something in fashion. I was never dead set on the idea, but it was the idea that was my favorite. The other one was a lawyer, but going to school for that many years wasn't something I wanted to do.

My parents always questioned me about the decision I made to study fashion design. Honestly, I don't care what they think. My whole life, they've been the two people who have always found a way to bring me down. I wonder if they even love me which is something kids shouldn't wonder about their parents. Being an only child has never been something that I was fond of. I always prayed and wished that my mom would get pregnant and give me a sibling. Sadly, I was the only kid who came out of her. She's had fertility problems her whole life.

Imagine that.

Finally being able to have a child and then hating them. I never asked her if she was happy at the fact that she had those problems. Most people wouldn't be, but then again, some people never dream of having kids. Maybe my dad and her fucked so much, thinking they'd never have a kid and then boom, here I am now, twenty years later.

Being a disappointment is my biggest accomplishment, after never being good enough for my parents to love. Actually, now that I think about it, they kind of go hand in hand. I guess they're the people to blame for my shitty attitude. They're exactly the same as me, only worse. I hate blaming other people for me turning out the way that I did, but it's kind of hard not to.

When I look at Nova, I see the complete opposite of me. She has a big heart and loves hard, but that's because her parents are that way. Me? "Love" isn't a word I heard from my parents, or many people for that matter, growing up. I tell Novalee I love her, but I'm not sure I actually mean it as shitty as it sounds. I tell Peyton and Natasha, my other two closest friends the same thing. I don't think I mean it. I'm not sure anymore.

Loving someone sounds complicated. It shouldn't be, but it probably is. I think it's okay to not feel that emotion for anyone. In the end, it only makes you weak. That's something I never want to be. I hate feeling inferior to people. I hate feeling like people I don't even know are better than me because they're prettier, wealthier, or more successful.

I think my head is a pretty fucked up place which is why I don't let many people into my life. They'll want to see the deeper parts of me. The ones I'm afraid to show. The ones I never want to show. While most of the time it backfires on me anyway, being as hotheaded as I am. It's what helped me be so carefree and not give a single fuck though.

I don't let people get to me. I don't let people think they're better than me and I sure as hell don't let people take advantage of me. I think if I ever gave myself completely to a person, it'd be a slow ride to the bottom of a life I don't want to live.

I guess it's a good thing that clothes and fashion, in general, have been the only things that I've grown to love.

Xander
TW: mentions of depression and suicide

Want a look into a fucked up head? Take a look at mine. Yeah, no. I'd never want to scare anyone like that. I'll let everyone use their imagination and imagine what goes on inside my head. No, it's not only football, girls, and sex. That's only like 32% of the thoughts that live inside of my head. The rest are darker and more vivid. Besides attending every party thrown on campus, boxing is probably the second favorite stress reliever. Wait, no, my third.

It's something I've been into since I was younger before I was diagnosed with depression. My mom was uncertain about letting me do it and honestly, I don't even know how I convinced her to this day. All I know is that it's one of the best things I've committed to in a long time. Over the years, I've learned many techniques from different coaches. I've only actually had to use them twice since that's how many boxing matches I've been in. Secret ones because the one condition my mom had was that I couldn't actually participate in boxing matches if I wanted to learn how to box. It makes no sense, but I didn't question her.

Anyway, I got curious about them in high school so I told my coach to set up a fight for me and he did. I wasn't as talented as the other kid, so I lost. Luckily, I didn't have any noticeable injuries so my mom never found out about it. The second one, I was better prepared so I actually won. That one was brutal though. I left with two black eyes despite winning. My girlfriend at the time had to buy makeup to hide my injuries from my mom. It's safe to say that she never found out, but I never continued in matches after that. Since then, I've used it for stress relief.

Punching things can be fun especially when you're constantly feeling like you have to hit something to feel okay.

I've been coming to Hendrick's Gym since I moved out to Oak Hill. It's only a boxing gym which I like. I usually come around ten o'clock at night, an hour before it closes. Sometimes I wish it was open 24/7 so I could come whenever I want. There are times at 3 a.m. when my mind is racing and I can't sleep. If my roommate's aren't out at a party, they're sleeping. I can't wake them up to talk. It's not like that's an option for me anyway.

Keeping quiet about my depression will kill me one day and I'm sure of this, but I honestly don't know if I really care anymore.