"Jamie," I say in a low voice. "Please move out the way."
"Look, I'm sorry, okay? I was just messing around, you know that."
"Please move," I say again.
"Look at me. I'm just joking-"
My fist flies forward and connects with his nose before I can com...
"That's lovely, thank you," I say to the waiter as he puts our food on the table.
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A few moments pass as I serve us some gnocchi from the rustic cast iron pan with y/n tapping her foot impatiently, before she bursts and says "Spill".
I give a slight grimace, but say "Fine".
"My 'bad ex' is Lily Collins."
Her eyes widen. "'Lily Collins' Lily Collins?"
"Yep."
"Clary Fray, Lily Collins?"
"Yes. That Lily Collins."
"Holy shit," she says quietly, eating the gnocchi like it were popcorn to go with a movie. "How long were you guys together?"
"We were on and off for about 3 years. We were together one year, broken up in the next, had a year apart, and then we got back together but broke up for good the year after."
She takes another bite of her food and encourages me to do the same so it doesn't go cold.
"Right," she says, "Continue."
"Okay. So we met on set. We were shooting a film that never actually got released, it was called Til Death Do Us Part, and we just clicked. It was all going so well, but we were getting pressured by the media, and it was too much for both of us to handle. So we broke up, both saw other people over the next year, but we ended up getting back together again. We didn't last as long that time-"
"All finished?" Asks our waiter as he comes to take our plates away.
"Yes, thank you," y/n says.
We both just sit there for a moment until he's gone.
"Yes, anyway. We didn't last as long that time. All the stress came flooding back, plus I had some baggage that she didn't want to deal with."
She looks at me questioningly.
"During the time that we were broken up the first time, I was really struggling. I was putting too much into my work and not enough into my personal life. I couldn't take it anymore, I just needed to feel something that wasn't sadness or stress or fear."
"And that's when the arms started," y/n says, now understanding.
"Yes, that's when the arms started. I didn't mean for it to get so bad, but the first time I cut-"
"One carbonara and one salmon?"
She looks at me, not knowing which is hers.
"Salmon for her, carbonara for me please." I say gratefully.
Our dishes are put down on the table and it looks amazing, but she wants to hear the rest of the story.
I lower my voice so we can't be overheard by other diners.
"The first time I cut, of course it hurt a little, but the stinging sensation completely distracted me. Only for a moment, so I did it a couple more times. Then I would take my time cleaning the cuts and bandaging them, drawing out the distraction. I managed to stop for a while, but when things got tough again, I would turn to the blade."
I look at her to see if she's judging me.
"And now?"
"What do you mean?"
"Do you still cut yourself now?"
"I haven't since we started filming The Mortal Instruments."
She thinks for a moment.
"Y/n?"
"Would you do it again? Sorry if that's really blunt."
"No it's fine," I laugh a bit. "I was worried you'd judge me, but I prefer this a lot more. And as to whether or not I'd do it again.... I really don't know. I only seemed to do it if I felt like I had no-one I could turn to. No-one I could talk to about it."
"Well, you've got me," y/n reaches across the table to hold my hand.
I grin slyly, "Oh yeah?"
"I swear to god," she mutters under her breath as she pulls her hand back.
"No wait!" I say, holding it again. "Thank you."
(Y/n's POV)
I blush a little as he holds my hand in his, and he looks so vulnerable that I can't help but smile at him.
