Rise To Fame

Chapter 17

Trigger Warning: Brief mentions self harm

(Y/n's POV)

I go home alone tonight, not sticking around at the studio to see Jamie or Martin. I can't bear to deal with either of them right now.

My flat feels cold. Empty.

The first thing I do after I lock my front door is step into a steaming hot shower. I grab my nail scrubber, but use it to scrub soap into my arms, my legs, my stomach. Getting everywhere clean and trying desperately to remove the feel of his hands on my skin. The feel of his eyes roaming over my body.

I scrub and I scrub and I scrub.

The bristles rub my flesh until it's red raw and the cuts on my arm are reopened and pouring blood, the red mixing with the water as it swirls down the drain.

But at least I feel a little better now.

I dress myself in a cosy outfit and curl up on the sofa.

I don't feel like eating.

It seems as though only minutes go by as I sit there, but when I check the time as my phone rings, I see than an hour and a half has passed.

It's Jamie.

I answer the call with a sigh, "Hey Jamie."

"Hi darling, how are you feeling?"

I ignore the fact that he calls me darling, knowing that it's a name he'll use on anyone.

"Not so bad I guess."

And uh... How's your arm?"

My eyes are drawn to the angry red lines that peek out from under the cuff of my sleeve.

"A bit sore."

He lets out a small breath on the other end of the phone.

"You don't have to worry about me Jamie, I'm fine. You should worry about your own problems. Worry about Ellie."

"She's gone, y/n."

"What do you mean, gone? Did you break up with her?" My heart lifts a little.

"Well, not exactly."

And it drops again.

"Not exactly? What does that mean, Jamie?"

"It means she walked out. And she's making me choose between you and her."

I pause waiting to hear his choice.

"But it's not that simple."

"You literally told me you want to break up with her."

"I know. And I know I don't love her anymore, at least not like that. But she does still mean something to me and I can't bear to hurt her any more than I already have."

"How have you hurt her?"

Silence.

"Jamie?"

"I cheated on her."

"Wait, what? No. You cheated on Lily. With her."

"Yeah, I uh.... I cheated on Ellie too. I fucked up, it was one night and it was a mistake. And she's held it over me since it happened."

"So you cheated on Lily. With Ellie. Then you cheated on Ellie. With some random girl. And technically with me too."

"I know it sounds bad, and I know I'm a terrible person, but I really am willing to change. When I met you, I knew there was something different. And I really do want to change. For you."

"You're right," I say quietly into the phone, "it does sound bad. It's not fair for you to treat these girls this way and now, knowing you've got a bit of a track record, I don't know if I can commit myself to someone like that."

"I know, I know. Trust me, I feel bad enough about it, and I hate myself for being that type of person. I'll always hate myself for it, but I swear I would never do that to you."

I don't know what to say.

"Y/n? Are you still there?"

"Yeah, I'm still here."

"I'm gonna do it. I'm going to tell Ellie that we're finished and she needs to move her stuff out. And after that.... well maybe you could move in?"

"Wow, hold your horses a bit there Romeo," I laugh nervously. "Maybe, and I mean maybe, we can start with a date, but moving in might be jumping the gun a bit quick, don't you think?"

"I don't just mean for that, but so you're not on your own. Especially whilst you're still dealing with what happened. I really don't think you should be alone, definitely not if you're in an unpredictable mindset."

"Unpredictable?"

"Well, if you're going to keep cutting yourself. I can distract you, keep your mind off it, talk about it if you need to. And if I really can't stop you from doing it then I can at least be there to help you after and make sure you're safe."

I think about this.

"Y/n?"

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Do you still hurt yourself?"

".....occasionally. Sometimes I just get so caught up in my own head that I don't even realise I'm doing it until after it's done. So I know it's selfish, but you'd be helping me out too."

"I guess I can think about it. But I'm not promising anything."

"That's all that I ask."

"Alright. Well, it's late. And I've got to be in early tomorrow."

"What time? I'll come in and give you a hand?"

I smile down my phone. "I guess I'll see you at 6 tomorrow morning."

"6 it is. Goodnight y/n."

"Goodnight Jamie."