The Badboy's Heartbeat [BxB] √

CHAPTER 40

XAVIER ROCKWELL

I have never been so overwhelmed with guilt in my life ever since Jordi arrived crashing right in front of the doorstep of my heart. Even when I just robbed a store for some food a few days ago, I'm still not guilty about that. I'm rather thinking about what could I do in order to bring Jordi back in my life. Losing the person who showed enough attention towards me felt like I've lost a huge part of me.

I'm not going to lie; I've been missing Jordi and it's making me feel less than a person. The thought of him hating me for life was just killing me from the inside out. I just want to hold him by the arms and kiss his tender lips and hug him as tight as I could. I just want to see his face and tell him how much he meant to me. I have a lot of things that I wanted to say and do but I don't know if I deserve it. I don't know if I deserve Jordi.

When I got to school, I was still visibly frightened of approaching the guy who deserved every single speech of apology from me. He's all surrounded with people who truly cared about him and I wish I was part of that circle. I truly cared for him and I wish I would've risked it all for him. I'm got stuck and I don't have any idea how unstuck myself.

The day went on and I was pretty much that one messed up guy who kept on stealing glances from the person he liked because that's the only thing he could do without creating a certain scene. I don't know how much I became so obsessed with a guy like him but I am and I'm not going to deny that. I don't how much I became hungry for his loving attention. I don't know how I became so thirsty for his intimate touch. I just got a little taste of heaven and now, all I could think of was him.

By the time the day rolled to an end, I managed to gather up enough courage to talk to Jordi. I'm aware of the lingering reality that he hates me more than he hated me before but this is the only thing I could do to fix things. It's either I'm going to gain everything back or I'm going to lose it.

Just as the bell rang, I found myself storming out of the room and eventually rushing towards Jordi's locker. I found him but he was already done doing his stuff and was already walking away. I picked up my pace and as I noticed he entered the comfort room, I instantly knew I had him cornered.

When I got inside the comfort room, he was already finished with his business and was now washing his hands.

Jordi immediately noticed me show up from the mirror. "You have got to be kidding me. Are following me?"

"We need to talk, Jordi." I breathed out fuming with such desperation.

Feeling like this was my only chance to talk to him in a private setting, I quickly grabbed him by the arm. "Get away from me, you sick pumpkin of an asshole." Jordi sounded angry and I do understand how he feels. He has every right to be angry at me. If I was in his shoes, I'd be angry myself too. "We don't have anything to talk about."

"We do; we have a lot to talk about. I came here to explain myself." I asserted.

"You don't have to explain yourself, Xavier. I get it. You're not yet ready to be part of my world, that's it. Point blank, period!" Jordi became calm but I could clearly tell by his facial expression that he was trying not to explode at me.

"No, Jordi. I am ready... It's just, things are way too complicated right now." I replied almost immediately. I know I'm ready to be with him and I have never been this sure in my life ever before.

"Exactly. It's complicated—"

"Please, Jordi. You need to hear me out." I took a step closer to him and I thought he's going to let me talk but he just turned red and erupted like a volcano.

"I said get away from me!!!" Jordi bellowed at the top of his lungs and I was startled by it. "You, Xavier! Xavier motherfucking Rockwell! You just stabbed me with a sharpened knife the very first time I met you. And here I thought you are going to have a change of heart and pull that fucking knife out but clearly, I was dead ass wrong about that. You just pushed it even deeper. I was in absolute agony but I'm going to let you push it even further because just like you said, I'm such a sore loser and I won't even spend an ounce of my energy on fighting a losing battle. This time, let's see if you'll finally hit a vein." He went on and I felt sorry for everything. He was right, I have shitty towards him and I just really pushed that dagger even deeper. I shouldn't have done it but I did it anyway and I'm secluded in a prison of regret right now.

"J-Jordi! I'm so—" I tried to calm him down but he cut me off almost immediately.

"Drop that sorry act, jerk! Cut that half-assed apology and shove it down your throat because you're very good at eating your own words. I regret giving you another chance, just so you know. I really thought you're going to change like how you've been telling me but baby, I got a little extra delusional about that. Now, I'm feeling much rather grossed out by the fact that I had butterflies in my stomach."

I could clearly tell it in his eyes that he wants nothing to do with me anymore and it hurts to see that. But I won't just accept that. I took a step closer towards him and while he looked flustered, I had to stay calm. "I-I made a huge stupid mistake, Jordi. I'm not going to pull the I'm-only-human-and-I-make-mistakes card on you and that's not because it's lame. I'm going to own my mistakes and that's why I'm here." I went on and I'm more than ready to do whatever it takes for this guy to forgive me. I could already feel my chest tightening. "I-I'm a fucking mess, okay."

Before I could even touch him again, he took a step back and then out of the blue, he came back surging with his clenched fist and eventually landed a punch right in my face. It didn't hurt that much on the outside but on the inside, I deeply knew I deserved that punch. I know it would've been better if I was tied in a chair. Maybe Jordi would feel better if he gets to torture me and I would gladly volunteer to be tortured by him. If it would make him feel okay, if it would help him release all of his pent up anger, I would gladly let him punch me all day, all night until my face is broken.

I pulled him closer to me and the next thing I know; I was hugging him. I have got to be honest, it felt exceedingly soothing to the feeling to finally hug the person you love and care about. Despite of us being in a crooked situation, I still felt all of the wonders of this simple hug. I wrapped my arms around him like there's no tomorrow and as my hug tightened, I began tearing up.

"I love you, Jordi!" I groaned feeling my heart out. I began to feel tears cascading down my cheeks and right along with it, I could feel my heart beating like a drum. I just want to tell Jordi how much he means to me. "No one has ever showed me attention like you did, Jordi. I've been a mess. I've been lonely throughout my whole life and you're the only person who made me feel happy in a very long time."

I wanted to stay in this position for a long while until things gets better. I wanted to feel Jordi in my arms because he's the only person who could heal all the hurt that I've been harboring all my life. However, Jordi doesn't seem to be feeling the moment. "Xavier, please let go of me. I need to breathe." Jordi trailed off and I heard him.

I had to let him go. As much as I wanted to hug him for a longer moment, I don't have any other choice but to let him go. I don't own him and then I realized I just want to own him.

I stared at him and we ended up sharing a sticky eye contact. In that brazen moment, I saw a whole damn constellation behind his beautiful eyes. I slowly cupped his face until I leaned over and fastened my lips to his. His lips felt tender, just perfect like the way I first kissed him that night. Things would've probably escalated to a much intense moment but then we both heard people laughing and we had to unclasp from the kiss.

Jordi gave me one last glance before eventually walking away. Jordi doesn't seem to be willing to give me another chance and it fucking sucks to see him walk away like nothing happened.

A group of seniors showed up and I had to quickly wipe my tears off and act as if nothing intensely emotional happened. I quickly entered the nearest compartment and after a few moments, I walked out of the comfort room with a much heavier heart.

When I got out of school, I ended up going to McArthur park. I know I didn't want to go home. I just want to be alone and think about how life's been fucking me like I'm a worthless prostitute. I sat down at the park bench and began realizing that this might probably be the end of me and Jordi. Jordi seemed to have made his decision to cut me off of his life and it's excruciating to think about it. I have never met someone like him in my life and now I have to force myself to accept the reality.

I might have to bury my heart in this moment and start focusing on other things. Maybe I won't ever fall in love again because the stars above don't seem to have anything good planned for me. I'm sure it would hurt like hell but that's sort of been the whole theme of my life. At this point, I'm already used to being brushed off like a dust on everyone's shoulder.