The Badboy's Heartbeat [BxB] √

CHAPTER 84

JORDI ADKINS

I don't how things are going to be better after this or if things are even going to get better. It's just how or if. That is the hovering question.

Am I going to be okay right after this?

I asked the question to myself obviously not having any idea for an answer. It was surely a difficult thing to accept the lingering reality that Xavier Rockwell just ended our relationship over what I did. It was a short-lived one per se and I guess that's part of the reason why I'm having a hard time to let his words sink in.

"We're done. Get over it."

I was still on the bus trying to calm myself down from crying but Xavier's words kept on bouncing back and forth inside my head. This was the very first time that I have fallen in love with someone and it's the kind of love that I've been dreaming of. The tight hugs and warm kisses, the stolen glances every time we are in class together, the aggressively unbridled display of affection every time we are alone. All of those things, I'm going to miss. I can't fucking believe this was also the first time that I'm having such a heartbreak like this. I admit, the feeling's not the greatest at all. I may be walking fine but on the inside, I'm a wreck. I feel like my teenage heart's drowning in the deep waters of lake Baikal that it was seemingly running out of oxygen.

Yes, it was my fault. I blame myself for everything. If only it had been easy for me to admit my mistakes the instant that I did it, I would've done it. And things would probably be different.

As the bus pulled over to my stop, it became hard for me to pick myself up but I managed to do it anyway. I had to rapidly wipe my tears off but it didn't matter anyway. Just exactly as I jumped out of the bus, the rain poured so much for a good timing. Maybe the rain does know what I'm feeling right now that it decided to pour heavy for me. I paused and looked at the sky. I closed my eyes as water trickled on my face.

"Move along kid, you're not in a movie!!!" Suddenly, someone pushed me over from behind and I was swiftly pulled back to the realms of reality. He's definitely right. I'm not in a movie so why am I acting like I'm the main character of such?

I almost slipped but I managed to catch myself right before I could even hit the pavement. Everyone where rushing to find some cover but I'm just here standing already getting wet. I didn't care if I get wet from the rain. I didn't care if people are rushing over to find cover. In fact, if I hadn't caught myself earlier and I crashed into the pavement, I would've been fine.

As the sky continued pouring upon the earth, I couldn't help myself but cry my heart out. It's a perfect camouflage that it was raining because then, no one would even notice that I'm a wreck. That I just got my fickle heart shattered into smithereens. That my own world decided to declare me as a persona non grata. No one could even tell that along with the water trickling down my face, there was also tears. Tears of a broken heart.

When I finally inched my way to our neighborhood, I was already exhausted but it wasn't something that's weighing me down. A different thing was weighing me down and all of those were Xavier's words and even his stoic facial expression was something that's boggling my mind. I know he truly loved me and I saw that because he truly changed as a person but I'm still conflicted as to why his decisions were sudden. He didn't even ask me if I wanted to split up with him, he just decided on his own and I don't have anything to say with it.

I just wished my grandmother was still here with us. I wanted to rush towards her and give her a tight hug. Her tight embrace was as soothing and healing as always and now, I might've have to deal with this shit all by myself just like that one famous Celine Dion song. I feel so fucking down, my heart felt so heavy and if I could just leave this realm for a whole day, I would've done it. I would've probably transported myself towards a certain realm where sorrow and pain does not exist, where there's only joy and euphoria.

When I got right in front of our house, I immediately locked eyes with my mom who was just about to get inside.

"JORDI!?" She yelled at me and then opened her umbrella before eventually inching her way towards my spot. "What's going on? Why are you walking under the rain?"

"Mom..." I breathed out. I was already feeling my tears starting rush for another round as if I have more to cry. "Mooooom." I hugged my mom as tight as I could.

"Sweetie? Aww... What happened?" She asked as she hugged me back. She patted my back which just gave me a little bit of healing. "Come on, let's get you inside before you catch something."

My mom immediately rushed and brought me a towel. She tightly wrapped me around it just like the concerned mother that she was to me ever since I was a young sickly child. I was already shivering in cold not realizing that I've been walking under the rain for too long.

"What is wrong with you? Why did you get yourself wet? Have I bought you a new umbrella?" My mom went on with her motherly sermon which I found adorable at this state. "Or did you lost it again?"

I just looked at her and then she returned the favor. At first, her look was slightly pissed but then as the second passed by, it gradually softened.

"Stay still, sweetie. I'm going to make a stew for you." My mom went ahead straight towards the kitchen. She didn't even change her office clothes and she just went right ahead and wore her favorite apron.

I followed my mom towards the kitchen and sat at my usual chair. The smell of onions and garlic being sautéed invaded my nostrils and I would say, it was very appetizing.

"What happened sweetie?" My mom eventually sat right beside me wearing her usual concerned face right after putting everything to the pot.

"I wounded the good and I trusted the wicked." I replied. It's the only way I could tell her what happened because I'm still worried that she might just shame me for it. Or maybe that was just my fear. I don't really know anything.

"Now, quit that shit on me, Jordi. Don't be like your grandma, I ain't dealing with decoding your words." She replied.

I was quiet for a long moment until I finally decided to spill the tea since I'm not losing anything. "Xavier broke up with me." I blurted out.

"Darling..." My mom breathed out and looked at me with a pitiful look. She pulled my hand and started rubbing him. "When?"

"Just now."

"Aww... Let me give you a hug." She yanked the chair closer to my side and eventually gave me a hug. "My baby's all grown up." She blabbered out.

"I...I don't know what to do mom. This is my first heartbreak."

"You know, the first cut's always the deepest, Sheryl Crow taught me that." She began using her old favorite singers as a reference and I'm glad it was coming from the person who accepted me for being who I am. "I got my heart broken the very first time too and trust me son, it's not that much of a big deal when you look at it at a different point of view. If anything, it's a teaching lesson for you. Don't make this heartbreak a hindrance or a destructive path, son. Make it as a teaching lesson for life because experiencing things is the best teacher. Now, I don't know what happened between Xavier and you and I'm not going to ask about it either because I respect your own privacy. However, I will say that you need to make this into something beautiful rather than treating it into something negative. It's okay if you are going to cry now because you'll always have a smile on your face later. It's okay not to be okay, remember that."

"Yeah..." I whispered even though I still don't know how I'm going to recover from this bullshit.

After eating the stew that my mom made for me, I felt better. We had further conversation but it was just her telling her story about her first heartbreak. I eventually retreated to my bed and changed onto some dry and clean clothes. What I told my my mom earlier was true. I wounded the good like Zach and Xavier when all they've been to me was good. Zach seemed to have developed some sort of liking towards me and I should've told him that we can only be friends. Xavier loved me just as much as I loved him and I failed at the number rule of being in a relationship. I wasn't honest with him. I trusted the wicked like Michiko. She was just so obsessed with me, calling me her gay best friend and whatnot, and she's nice but all of it was just a facade and I felt like a moron that I did not saw this coming my way. And this is the result of everything. I got my heart broken and along with it, I got two innocent hearts shattered too.

Everyone lost and it's my fault.