Bruises and scars. (Teacher/student love story)

40. Bruises and Scars.

THURSDAY

March the 31st.

I've once again become the biggest skank ever to walk the planet... okay maybe not seeing as there are still people like Lindsey Lohan. Actually, is she a skank? Or is she just a huge drug whore that always ends up in rehab? Either way I think she's worse than I am.

Lately Alex has been trying to be a huge sweetheart, it started after the day in his bedroom where he bust my lip open and I ran to Holden after. That makes it so much harder to break things off with him and so I haven't yet.

Holden is trying to be patient with me but I know that he's getting annoyed. He thinks I'm going to just continue to see both of them until I'm really forced to choose. Like when Alex finds out about him and I. Which I'm really hoping won't happen. That would make breaking it off ten times harder, also he'd probably kill me. An image I've had in my head over and over again. Of course every image I have different injuries and sometimes Holden is injured too.

Though I guess I would deserve it for betraying him for all of our engagment- on and off- and even before it.

Of course Alex thinks I'm better now too, I mean I'm a little off when I'm around him but it's definitely not as bad as before. I can't help myself, being with Holden again just makes me so happy.

I'm always so amazed with his easy going attitude towards me in class. I can't help myself though, whenever he peeks up at me from his desk I blush. I don't think Alex has noticed yet.

Today I'm going over Holdens because I've been going there almost everyday. I know it's mean to lead Alex on when really I have every intention of breaking it off but I'm weak.

How am I supposed to break his heart and act like it doesn't affect me?

How am I supposed to even tell him in the first place? I've come up with so many different ways to say it and it just never seems right.

Or we'll be together and I know that I should tell him at that moment and I just can't. Every time he tells me he loves me it's another stab to the chest. Every time he makes love to me it's another stab and twist to my heart. And when I break it off with him it'll be another stab and twist to him too.

He'll know that I've wanted to end it for months as soon as I actually end it. He'll know that I've been planning it. He'll know and it'll hurt him so much more.

He'll know I never wanted to make love to him. He'll know that it was a little forced by him. He'll know I was always reluctant. He'll know that every time I said I loved him it was a lie.

When in fact it's not. I DO love him. I love him so much it hurts, which is why I haven't left yet. But I can't stay with him if he's going to abuse him. Especially when I have an amazing guy that would never lay a hand on me, just waiting for me to pick him.

I'm such a skank, I think with a sigh.

"Scarlete?" Someone says for clearly the second time.

I blink, "Hmm?"

"Scar?" They kiss my shoulder and I turn my head slightly.

"Yeah." I say still far away.

They sigh and I feel a wet slimy thing go up the side of my neck. I shift away so fast that I fall off the chair I'm on.

"Jeezum Holden." I say wiping my neck with my hand.

He laughs as he helps me up, "Sorry, you were zoning out."

I give him a look, "That doesn't mean you have to lick me."

He lifts the bottom of his shirt and pushes my shoulders down, "Let me wipe it off."