Evolution

October 25 2016

Coming to grip the fact that he doesn't want me has been painful. I have been so grateful that I had been journaling in the times which we were okay. It gives me something to compare the present to and it helps me when my memory has failed me.
I haven't really been okay lately. I try to pretend that I am and it has gotten easier during the day but at night I suffer from disturbed sleep, dreams, and night adventures that I remember but have no control over. I have been waking up with socks on one of my feet after going to bed with two and when I fall asleep with earrings on I wake up and find that one of them is on the floor with the back on and the other is still in my ear. I have countless nightmares that keep me from sleep and my average day I wake up at four in the morning.
I am ruined. He does not want me. He doesn't love me anymore. And accepting that fact has been painful. Most nights when I go to bed and fall asleep I wish that I won't wake up. It is hard being so close yet knowing that I should not do anything anymore. I have tried going to his house just to visit. He told me to stop. So I did.
It is painful. Existing so close to him but not being able to see him. Or to touch him. It is painful to know that he has moved on. I already heard about the next girl. And I feel so stupid to have believed him when he said forever. There have been four girls after me now. That hurts so badly because I am so ruined without him but I know that he is fine when he goes to sleep at night.
I was going to try to get into a California school. I have been trying so hard. But now I am considering Idaho. It isn't the best academic choice for me at all, but I am considering going away.
Now I think I understand why he broke up with me. It's like if you go away first you can save yourself the pain. It's like the knife game with a partner- if you pull your hand away while someone has the power to hurt you, you can save yourself by not trusting the person with the knife in their hand. It's like you leave before they have the chance to hurt you.
That is why I have been considering Idaho. Maybe I will be okay if I go away. Maybe if I am the one who finally leaves the fact that he doesn't want me anymore won't hurt me. Maybe I can finally find peace after these years of pain.
It is painful because I know that I want to be close to him. I want that someday we talked about so badly. I wish I could just text him and tell him that I miss his laugh. That I miss his smell, and that if he hadn't told me not to come to his house I would've snuck out of school just to see him. But I can't. And even if I could tell him I have to come to grip the reality that he doesn't care.

He doesn't give a damn about me.

Because if he did, he would still be here. If he cared, he would know how bad I have been with him out of my life. If he cared, he would trust me. He would go back to the sweet young man that he used to be. The one who cared about pandas, the one who promised to write letters to me every day. The one who made sure to remind me that I was loved, and that I was important, because he knew I needed it. The one who would cradle my face and wipe my tears when I would cry. The one who would brush my hair when I forgot to take care of myself. The one who would do everything to make me feel good. The one who would make out with me until we almost got caught by the teachers and would hurry and sit down and giggle with me while we pretended to play thumb wars. The one who would hold me when I needed comfort. The one who would leave notes for me in my phone to tell me how I was loved. The one who would tell me I was beautiful every day. The one who talked dirty to me but respected me enough to ask for permission. The one who made sure that I felt I was cared for. The one who would talk me to sleep when I was having a rough night. The one who would answer my calls early in the morning. The one who would always make time for me even when he was busy. I need the one who promised to love me forever and always.
But my love is a man now. And he's busy. And I know he doesn't care about me enough to even see if I am okay. Because he hasn't. He has my address. He could write a letter, he could come and see me for five minutes after school. He only lives ten minutes away- not by car, by foot. He could just come and give me a hug and tell me to hang in there. To tell me that there is more to life than just sadness.

But I, the stupid, naive girl that I am, keeps waiting for him. I keep waiting for the boy of the past to come back to me.
And I am reverting back to my old ways. I am reading, I don't go outside. I don't talk to people. I don't know a life other than school. I am reverting back to the girl I used to be. The girl I used to be before I was happy.