July 17 2015

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I haven't talk to him since Saturday night. I miss him. I cried myself to sleep last night. And then I before that. And the night before that. I'm not happy. I miss him so much. I guess he's moved on. I hate that no one knows it. Everyone thinks I'm happy. No one has seen the tears I've cried. No one has seen my self harming. No one knows I'm dying inside. I'm so lonely. What's weird about not talking to Andy for a long time is that my parents know he's ignoring me, and they don't give a crap about my electronics anymore. I try to talk to him every day. But I think I'm going to stop. I don't want to be a crazy ex-girlfriend. I wrote my first song. I don't know what to call it, but I have to come up with something. I want to put it on my eight tracks playlist. It was, after all, meant for him. I wrote it for him. I find myself playing it often. My heart aches when I remind myself that I lost him. But he doesn't want me anymore. My first love was my first loss. I guess I thought it would end differently. He made me so happy. He made me love myself when I could not. Now I feel even worse about myself. Since he's been gone, I have hated myself even more. I just wish I could've been good enough.

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