Sometimes looking back on everything hurts so much.
It hurts that I gave so much.
But sometimes I look back
And I'm okay with it.
Sometimes I miss it.
Every day
My emotions are controlled
By a dice
And it's all just chance
And I've got a higher probability
To feel pain
Before I feel okay.
Sometimes I just want to be okay.
Today
I want to be okay
But I'm not.
I've got an ache in my head
From thinking too hard
About why you just decided
You no longer loved me
And walked out of my life,
But thinking makes it hurt worse
So I try not to
I have to consciously remind myself
To breathe in
And
Breathe out
Because when I think of you
The air doesn't want to flow
And I can't seem to move
And I'm stuck
I have to remind myself
To be grateful
For every breath I can breathe
And every sunrise
And sunset I can see
And
I have to remind myself
To be thankful
I woke up this morning.
Sometimes I forget how lucky I am
To still be around.
Two days ago
I was walking past a store
When a tall man
With lanky arms
And red picked skin
Walking to a beat
Only he could hear
Decided to follow me
For
A good 1500 feet
And into a women's dress store
I told my parents about it
Later that day
Now we both want me
To have pepper spray
It made me think
That maybe ignorance isn't so bad
But it still hurts so much
When it's coming from you
I remember when I showed you
My broken bobby pins
That I used
To play tick tack toe games
Alone
On my skin
You ripped them out
Of my hands
And threw them over the edge
Of the stairwell
Four floors up,
But now that you're gone,
It feels like you took those
And handed me a gun instead
And when you said
"I love you"
For the last time,
It felt like you were pulling the trigger
You promised
You wouldn't leave me
You knew all of my insecurities
And my fears
You told me to forget them
But how can I forget them now
When my biggest one
Was losing you?
You knew
My biggest fear
Was being forgotten
And alone
You knew
I had lost everything
That meant anything
To me
You knew
I'm afraid
Of being alone
But look where I am now
When an egg is submerged
In boiling water
It becomes hardened
From the heat
I was fragile
And you dropped me
On the floor
Where my insides
Became my outsides
And my eyes couldn't cry anymore
From the constant weeping
For my shattered heart
I had on my outside
Instead of my inside
And then when you decided
You couldn't do much more
With a broken egg,
You scooped me
And my outsides that should be insides
And insides that should be outsides up
And threw me into a pot
Of boiling water
And gave me time
To make myself 'tough'
And now I'm a jumbled up mess
With insides and outsides
Mixed on the inside
And nothing but a broken heart
On the outside
That I've spent months trying to hide
I don't want to hide anymore
I just want to be okay
But today
I am not okay
Maybe I will be tomorrow
But today
I am stuck in the pain of yesterday
I just want to be okay tomorrow
YOU ARE READING
Evolution
Non-FictionThere are a lot of things you don't really think about until they happen to you. Take rape, for instance. I always thought, "That won't happen to me. I have a boyfriend. I trust him. He would never take advantage of me like that..." I couldn't have...
