Evolution

November 18 2016

I didn't expect it to hurt as bad as it did.
When he told me I couldn't cry. But I wanted to. Crying was the best thing I could do.
I drove my mother and my brother home because my mom was sick. But the first thing I did when I got inside was go to the bathroom. I gathered my towel, my glass, and clean clothes. I brushed my hair and turned the shower to cold. Then I got in.

I sat in the shower until my fingers and toes were going numb and turning blue. I got my glass out, and tried the best I could. But there wasn't enough blood. It wasn't sharp enough. So I kept trying. But the ones that did bleed didn't bleed enough. I got out from under the water and watched it run down my legs.
I began to get so frustrated that I began to hit my hips and watch as the skin got red underneath my fists. Counting. Twenty. Thirty. Forty. Fifty. My skin is bruising. Hit harder and watch the water splash in tiny drops off of my skin.
It's cold. Freezing. Numb. Wash. Put soap on my face, scrub circles. Ten. Twenty. Thirty. Forty.
Wash my hair. Twice. Three times. Four times.
Wash my body again.
Let the cold run over me so when I hold myself I feel warmer than I would under the water.
Freezing.
Rinse again.

Help me I'm sorry.

Help me I'm sorry

Turn the water off and watch the blood run down my legs. Look at the bruising I made and hit myself harder once more to make sure it'll hurt.
Make sure it'll show.

When I crawl into my bed in my onesie I let my hair drip around my body as I curl up into a ball.
Look at the pills on the nightstand.
Look up 'self induced comas' on the internet.
Results consist of suicide.
Consider.
Rule out consideration because I don't want to be found like that.
Consider again.
Rule out again.
I can't do that to my brother.
Officially ruled out.
Cry.

He has a girlfriend.
My hips are black.
My legs and wrists hurt.
He has a girlfriend.
I cried myself to sleep last night.
She goes to my school.
He has a girlfriend.
She knows who I am.
He has a girlfriend.
He won't tell me who it is.
He has a girlfriend.
I didn't expect it to hurt this much.
He has a girlfriend.
This is why I need to leave.

As I watch you walk away, I realize that I want that necklace you put in the palm of my hand. I just didn't want to inconvenience you.

And when I told you that I don't mind being alone, I was lying. Alone is the scariest place for me to be. Alone is when my demons win.

When you walked back with her, I tried so hard not to cry in front of you. I didn't want her to think I'm a piece of shit. Because I am.
I just need to go away.
You should've just held her hand. Sometimes I want to hurt.

I just want to go away.

The only reason why I haven't tried to induce a coma yet is because I love my brother.

I don't want anyone to find me like that.
But especially not him.
I want professionals to find me.
If I was completely alone, I would have induced a coma a long time ago.