Evolution

July 11 2015

The nesting dove that lived above the kitchen window under the balcony died yesterday. I wonder if it was a sign. I woke up this morning and tried to call Andy again. He didn't answer. He never does. I realized something about love this morning. It is beautiful while it lasts. I cried for the first time this morning in a long time. Either he's ignoring me, or he's already gone. Or maybe both. Maybe he just got over me. Which sucks. Because I'm not over him. And that's why I have reached the conclusion that love sucks. I'm so lost and numb, when I'm not calling him I'm watching fairytale, listening to music, or sleeping. I've convinced myself he isn't answering because he no longer wants me. And it makes me angry that love can cause so much happiness, and so much more pain. I often look at the words and the scars I carved into my skin and crave for more. I think I've reached my breaking point, because I'm starting to hate love and how I could've been so childish to think it could last. I fantasize of jumping off of my roof and ruining my room and self mutilating. I have so much energy but I don't know what to do with it so I lay there and stare at the ceiling as the tears roll. I miss him so much. I find myself calling him every chance I get, and the more I do it I know he's not going to answer. That's the worst part. I don't even call and talk to him anymore. Sometimes I call just to see if he will answer. I just want to hear his voice. I feel so broken inside. He promised I could call. He promised he wouldn't forget about me. He asked me to stay. I never left. He left. I don't know if I have any faith in love anymore. I know I love him. I know I absolutely will always love him. Forever. I have lost faith in love because it isn't often returned. He probably didn't even love me after all of that time. Love fucking sucks. It hurts so much. I feel invisible. I feel like he forgot about me. I've never felt so angry and sad. I hate love. I hate it. He left me. He forgot about me. He's probably with another girl right now. He probably thinks I'm crazy because I've still been calling and texting. I wonder if he's ever seen them? They always say delivered. I wonder if he blocked me. Or maybe they haven't been going through. I'd like to believe that. So much. I don't feel like eating, I just did and I feel like I'm going to throw up. He made me believe in love. Now he's made me feel the pain of love. No I fear it doesn't last. I feel changed. I feel like love between two doesn't last. And it sucks. I've been pulled out of my fairytale. No one's coming to save me. Love is temporary. There's no such thing as true love's first kiss. Didn't work. What I hate the most is that I still love him. I can't get over him. I still long to hear his voice calling my name. I still crave his smelling and vibrations. He's gone. We were over long time ago. Love hurts. I'm fucking hurt.

He finally answered me tonight. I asked him if there is another girl, but he didn't answer. He only asked me why. He's so stupid sometimes. I thought I made it obvious that my biggest fear is losing him. I told him I loved him when I had to go. He said he he loved me too. I'm not sure what to think anymore. I hate that he is putting me through this. I hate that I'm not strong enough to take it. I'm not clean already. But it'll fade by morning. I'm just so scared what we had is gone. I want more than anything for us to be OK. I want more than anything for we had before. I've just been so scared because it's been a little less than a month and that's how long it took us. According to him. I just wanted closure that he still wanted me. I don't think he'll tell me tomorrow. I'm just so scared. I don't want to be second choice. If there's another girl, I'll cut myself out of his life. I don't want him in a bad situation. As much as it would hurt, as much as I don't want to. I would erase myself if there was someone else. I would do it to protect both of us. It would force him to stay committed to her, and it would prevent me from getting any more hurt. I hate being dragged along like a sad puppy. I don't want to go through that kind of pain. If he wants someone else, he can have her. But I do not want to be the back up plan. I don't want to be the number two. I will always love him. I know that for sure. But I don't need him to see the pain I'm going through if I'm number two. Because I know right now I won't be the same. I won't be OK, and I know for me it's better to wallow in my own misery than to take everyone down with me. I just hope it doesn't have to end this way. I want more than anything for him to tell me he wants to see me next week. And if there's anyone else. But it this point, I lost my faith and dreams. Because more often than not, they don't come true.