reminiscence

Fifty-Three

The smell of beer and rotten old men stench was something I would never get used to. Don't get me wrong I love my job but the past few days it's been very slow. Nothing more then our usual old drunks on there bar stools. It was a ghost town in here.

Here I sit on top of a bar stool. My notebook in front of me. A note book filled with inventory and order sheets. But honestly I was just making myself look busy during our down time

I doodle some swirls in the corner. I couldn't get in task as the images of yesterday filling my mind. I couldn't get our two almost kisses out of my head.

Was he really going to kiss me? Or was it just in the moment? I mean the first time I could chalk that up to the beautiful moment. But it happened twice?

He just got out of a relationship ,if that's what you can call it. His heart is just as messed up as mine. Maybe he was turning to the closer thing near him. Me.

"What's got you stressing out over here?" Desi ask hoping up on the counter. Letting her legs swing off carelessly.

"Connor's going to be pissed if he sees you on the clean bar top" I mumbled looking down at my doodles. Noticing my simple swirls have turned into hearts. I'm fucked.

"Connor can fuck off" Desi huffed "there's nothing to do anyways, tell Niall he needs to get his ass out here and sing for entertainment "

"I think you should tell him" I sighed before resting my head on top of my notebook

"I was joking.... Is there something going on between you too?" She asked confused
"No" I mumbled into my arms
"Bella Rose" Desi nudged me with her thigh making me groan "I think Niall's in the break room checking equipment ... I'll just go ask him why you're acting weird..."
"No!" I shoot up grabbing her thigh to hold her in place making her bust out laughing.
"What is it then?" She whined trying hard to get out of my embrace
"Honestly it was nothing!" I said raising my voice louder then usual as I was struggling to hold her down.
"It was obviously something" she rolled her eyes quitting her squirming "You're not freaking out over nothing" she rambled on
"He almost kisses me alright" it came out of my mouth like a whispered threat. As my eyes glared into her soul.
"I KNEW IT!" Desi screamed jumping off the counter. Easily getting out of my grip.
"DESIREE!" I screamed grabbing her wrist  "shut your mouth" I warned hoping none of the boys heard her.
"Sorry" she giggled throwing her hand over her mouth
"If I told you another secret would you promise to be quiet this time?"
She nodded her hand still covering her mouth.
I leaned closer to her ear. "It actually happened twice" I whispered in her ear. He eyes going wide. I giggled before folding my arms on the counter and resting my head on top.
"And you didn't go for it?" Desi asked leaning against me like we were telling secrets
I sighed "I don't think he really wanted it"
"Babe you've got to be joking" she huffed rolling her eyes again "He made the move didn't he?"

"I guess so .... but"

"No, no buts" she interrupted me "I don't want to be cheesy but I'm only going to tell you this once, you've been broken down so many times. And your heat had to heal and come back stronger. You're heart knows what it wants" she taps the heart doodles I made on my notebook " Listen to it"

I smiled watching her give me a smirk before turning on her heels to go find her boyfriend.

Desi definitely didn't always give good advice, if it involved alcohol it was always a bad idea. But her love advice was different. She was a good lover and had a wonderful relationship with Aidan. I think I'll listen to this piece of advice.

I took back to my innovatory task that I was supposed to be doing in the first place. Marking every ounce of liquor we had on the shelves.

A loud laugh made me look up to the stage with a smile. The sound bringing instant happiness to my soul. Niall's laugh. He stood there fumbling around with a few guitars. Joking with Aidan about something.

Follow my heart what does that mean? What is my mending heart trying to tell me. Did I want Niall to kiss me?

Yes

Right?

"Bella!" Conor called from his office making me run to him and lean against his doorway .

"Yes Connor, I'm almost done with...."

"No" he interrupted me "I need to talk to you, shut the door and come sit down" he motioned to the empty seat across from his desk.

I did as I was told "Yes boss?" I smiled

"This is serious Arabella" he didn't seem to happy. I quickly lost my smile. His hair was sticking every witch way telling me his hands were being yanked through it. He was stressed.

"What's up?" I furrowed my eyebrows
"Well as you know I considered you me second hand women" he started before sighing a big sigh "I'm struggling to keep afloat"

"It's ok Connor, todays a bad day but Niall's shows have been bringing it many customers. Right?" I was worried but tried to brighten him up

"No" he shook his head "we are making no profit. It's costing just as much to pay him as we are making. We're breaking even. Barely" his eyes were sad and blood shot. I knew this pub meant a lot to him and he was over worrying.

I sighed "Well I can ask Niall. I'm sure he'll do it for less. At least for a few months"

"No Bella. He doesn't deserve that. We already aren't paying him full gig price" his hands were now in his hair. Pulling at his roots

"Ok.... then" I raked my brain trying to come up with an answer. Trying to help out my stressed out friend.

"Then nothing Bella!" He screamed. Losing it. "My Grandpa trusted me to turn this dump around. He was the only parental figure I ever had. And I let him down!" He was now in tears.

"That's not true" I hushed rushing over to him. Trying to wrap him in a hug but he pushed away.

"Bullshit. My own parents couldn't look twice at there fag of a son. Now my grandpas frowning down from heaven! I had so many good ideas and look where we ended up! Niall's gig put us in the hole. Candy couldn't poor a drink right, messed up Niall's life, and maybe yours!" His face was bright red. He was fuming.

"I need you to calm down Connor" I calmly said grabbing his wrist but him being to strong he pushed me away.

"Fuck!" He screamed pushing everything off of his desk in one fluent motion.

My blood ran cold. Looking up I saw Hudson's features in Connors face.

My mind was playing a game with me. I know that but I couldn't get the images out of my mind.

"No" I mumbled. The flooding of image bring tears to my eyes.

"I'm a fucking failure!" Connor screamed pounding his fist into his desk "a disappointment to everyone!"

Making me flinch as I backed up further and further into the corner. "Don't hurt me" I cried crouching down burying my head into my knees. Blocking out the scene in front of me as it was becoming to much.

All I could hear was things crashing and breaking. Praying I wasn't next. Praying this time was different. 

"Don't hurt me!" I screamed

"Please" I whined

"I love you"

"Don't hurt me" my voice growing softer and softer drowning in tears