Just Hold Me

Chapter: 14

Mom, Jonathan, Adam, and Conner were waiting on the porch when we finally arrived from the beach.

Kaitlin and Brooke run up to mom smiling widely. They give her a hug.

I just stay in the car for a while, knowing very well they are going to ask why I would not answer their phone calls.

Adam and Conner look over at me. A worried look on their face.

I finally get out of the car. Adam wraps an arm around me. I pull away before I start crying again and push past everyone.

"Emily," my mom says softly. "You have to at least talk about it."

"No," I say flatly. "I don't. And certainly not with you."

Her eyes darken a little. "You said we were good," she says quietly.

I hand her the keys and walk inside.

"Emily," Adam says calmly. "Can you tell us what happened?"

"I can tell you what happened," Kaitlin says in a small voice behind me.

Adam and Conner look at her.

Conner holds out his hand. "Tell us what happened," he says softly.

I go upstairs. As soon as my head hits the pillow, I start sobbing. They won't understand. Moving out is any teenager's dream. Not for me.

I hate being alone. It's the worst feeling in the world.

And that's what I've been for eighteen years. Alone all the time. My friends are the only reason I'm actually here.

If I killed myself, who would miss me? I try to think of people who would at least try to show up at my funeral, but can't think of any.

Adam, Oliver, mom, Josie... no one else?

How sad is that?

I go into the bathroom. I try to find some pills so I don't actually have to hurt myself. But can't find any. I spot a razor somewhere near the back of my drawer.

A razor.

That could hurt me, I tell myself.

But another voice says, That's kind of the point, you idiot.

I choke back a sob.

This can't be happening. I've never thought of myself as weak before. I never thought I'd try to do this to myself.

But by tomorrow, I won't be anyone else's problem anymore.
• • •
I wake up wrapped tightly in Adam's arms. He held me close as mom and Jonathan argued in the kitchen.

How'd I get down here?

Adam looks at me. "Hey," he says softly. "You're awake."

I feel a lump in my throat. "Yeah," I say, not being able to hide the disappointment in my voice.

I notice Conner asleep on the other couch. "Is he okay?"

Adam nods. "He's doing better now."

I sit up. "What do you mean?"

His eyes narrow at me. "You could've killed him last night," he says harshly.

My eyes start to water and I get up off the couch. "I what?"

He pulls out a knife from his pocket. "If you want to kill yourself, you can go ahead, Emily. No one is going to stop you."

Then Conner wakes up. The side of his face covered in dried blood.