The Queen Of Eternity

Star gazing is always a good idea

Laying in bed, a pillow between my knees and a book open in my hands.

The words seem blurry through my sleepy eyes but I don't dare close them.

    The nightmares have been terrible lately.

I told myself that the guilt that has been chewing my entire soul and being for the past few days is human.

If I felt no guilt after doing what I did then I would have been on course to become a zombie.

It doesn't help much though.

Every night the same moment repeats in my head and I wake up with a scream.

My sister's death, the belt, me open firing at who knows what, me with a bloody knife, me killing whoever my father asked just so I could be a good daughter.

I am not sure a good person anymore.

I want to cry but I have given it up a long time ago.

Numbness overtakes me instead of tears these days.

I close the book and keep it on the bedside table.

I turn to lay on my back, the pillow between my legs falls on the floor with a thump.

     The night is silent. Silent save for an owl hooting on the tree near my balcony.

My eyes flutter close but I snap them back open, shaking my head.

Crawling out of the bed, I walk towards the balcony.

The cold moves only to meet the warmth of my body. I feel it wash over my skin, again and again.

Tomorrow spring will blossom as flowers do, yet tonight the wind still blows cold.

I let out a breath, the owl still hoots somewhere far away. Crickets sing and stars twinkle.

The sheer curtains of the balcony door brushes against me, tickling the bare skin of my arms as I lean on the railing.

A soft knock on the door makes me look over my shoulder.

Did I lock it?
    
Stupid.

"Come in," I anounce, trying to remember where all my weapons are.

Azrael pokes his head in through the window and offers me a smile before walking towards me.

I relax.

A sudden warmth takes over me and the previous loneliness subdues ever so slightly.

"You okay?" I ask.

"I can't sleep. And it looks as though you're struggling with the same problem."

Not really. I can most definitely sleep. In fact, I probably should sleep considering I am running on eight cups of coffee and one cheese bagel.

But I am scared.

"You have a beautiful view from up here," He comments. I feel him looking around before halting his eyes on me.

And suddenly I very aware of my tangled hair that's tied up in a ponytail, very aware of the bare skin of my legs, very aware of the fact that there's nothing underneath my tank top.

"So, what's really up with you?" He asks, leaning his back against the railing, his forearms on top of it.

I look at him, his face lit up with moonlight, his brown hair getting a silver tint to it.

His eyes are hopeful and warm and mine tired and cold.

"I... have been getting these nightmares and I just don't wanna go to bed today."

He doesn't say anything just hums.

"Want a hug?" He breaks the silence.

For some reason, I don't hesitate before nodding.

His arms wrap around me like a warm blanket on a cold night.

My head fits perfectly between the crook of his neck as his chestnut hair tickles my forehead.

A laugh erupts from his throat, shaking his entire frame.

"What's so funny?" I ask, placing my chin on his chest to look up at him.

"If your father sees us, I need to jump from here and run into the woods and—" The quiet laughter now turns into a full-on guffawing.

I don't understand how that's funny but I can't help but smile.

No other words or laughs were shared after that, we just stared at the sky, both fighting our own separate wars in our heads.

"Do you ever think what you could've been if you weren't... y'know...you?" He breaks the silence.

I wait before answering.

What could I've been?

Perhaps start a business? A charity?

"I don't know. I've never really thought about life outside of this. Never had the time."

He nods.

"I would write and actually practice medicine outside of wars. I'd heal people. Then, maybe, get married and buy a sweet little house far away from the Capitol. I'd have a daughter. I'd have a life worth living."

I look at him, looking at the moon. His expression is unreadable but when he turns to me, his eyes soften.

"We should probably get to bed," He whispers.

"Yeah, you should." I turn to face him.

"Or...I could just stay here."

Close.

Too close.

I look up at him, he looks at me as if I'm not an assassin, a princess, a woman who's always doing something questionable.

When he looks at me, I swear I see something in his eyes. Something I don't think I've seen before.

Something I can't stop wanting.

"Maybe."

I turn around, waking away, hoping he'll follow.

He does.