Maxine Nelson • heartstopper ff

9. rehersal

Max POV

"Have you guys kissed?" I asked. Nick had been telling me about Charlie and how he had been feeling.
"Yeah...we have. At the party and at his birthday," Nick said. I just nodded.
"It's not that I just like guys though...I've just been...I've just been so confused," he cried slightly. I hugged him. "I...that's why I was looking at bisexuality...I just think that might be me. But I'm still not sure," He continued.
"That's ok, you don't have to figure it out right now," I told him.
"Thanks got being here for me," he said with a small smile.
"Of course," I told him.

We stayed there for a bit and Nick was almost asleep but I could tell he was trying to stay awake because I was there.
"Sleep," I told him and I got up.

I started to walk out of the door and then I heard something in a sleepy voice
"Thank you Max," he said.
"It's ok," I said with a small smile before sneaking out of his room as quietly as possible closing the door.

I didn't sleep that much. I stayed up in the nights as I couldn't sleep. I grabbed my laptop and started to search up bisexuality. I had heard about it but if my brother was researching it and if I was going to be there for him. I wanted to understand it more.

God, why is everything so negative on the internet? Now I felt even worse for Nick if he had to put up with that shit as well. That was just not right.

I started researching more and I don't know why...but I was starting to relate to it. Was I bi, or gay? I found a quiz online and started to do it.

Q1 Do you ever feel attraction towards the same sex?

Sometimes Maybe I don't know

Hardly ever Yes Yes No.
Yes

I looked at this question and I believed I was starting to over think. I clicked Maybe and went on with a few other questions.

I mean girls are pretty and maybe I would date them.

I kept doing the quiz and answering as honest as I believed I could and then I got the result:

You're Lesbian!

Your answers show that you prefer to be in the company of people of the same sex, and it is among them that you feel best. You are most likely a lesbian, and there is nothing wrong with that!

I slammed my laptop shut. This can't be true...can it? I did a few other quizzes and they we're all either bisexual or lesbian.

I'd had to much and it was overwhelming me so I hid under my blanket shaking and soon after, exhaustion won and I fell fast asleep.

The Next Day
As I'm part of the orchestra, we have the whole day in Truham to practice.

I sat on the bench with my instrument as I waited and Imogen came to sit by me.
"What you thinking about?" She asked me.
"What are you talking about?" I asked confused.
"C'mon Max, you look like you've done something and it's eating you up inside," she told me moving my hair out of my face.
"I'm honestly fine," I told her.
"Only if you say so," she said but still sat by me.
"If you need to talk, I'm here for you," she told me.
"Thank you," I smiled.

Nick took me to the hall as I didn't know where it was. I walked over to my seat and started to set up. I saw my brother talking to Tara.

The quiz results were still fresh in my mind. They we're taking over my thoughts and making me feel uncomfortable in who I was.

"Max, Max. Are you gonna play or just sit there?" I heard the teacher ask me.
"Sorry," I said quietly and picked up my saxophone up as if I was about to play.

After we'd played a few songs, it was time for break.
"Hey are you alright?" Tara asked me.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I said with a small smile.

We went to go find Nick at lunch. He had told Tara and Darcy to meet up with him.
"Omg! We found another one!" Darcy said excitedly.
"You can't tell anyone," Nick said.
"She won't tell anyone," Tara assured him.
"I'm really not...out yet, or anything," Nick said.
"Do you want to be?" Darcy asked.
"I don't know...I don't even know what my sexuality is,"
"Thats ok, Tara didn't know she was a lesbian until we kissed like six times," Darcy said.
"It was two times," Tara said.
"Omg do you know what we have to do, double dates," Darcy said. "Us and Charlie, tomorrow night, before the concert, milkshakes,"
"You can come as well Max," Tara said.
"Are you sure, I don't want to intrude," I said.
"Yeah, why not," Darcy said.

The day of the concert

"I'll meet you at the concert," Mum said.
"Mum you don't have to," I said.
"Well I want to, I want to see you play," she told me.
"Ok," I said and then got out of the car. We we're at the milkshake cafe.

Nick went to sit at the table and I got a drink. I didn't realise but Elle and Charlie's friend Tao were also here.

I came back to the table and sat on the end. I slowly sipped my milkshake. I hadn't stopped thinking about those results and it was really eating me up inside.

I was playing with the sleeve of my coat.
"Max, what's wrong?" Nick asked.
"Nothing, I'm fine, why do you ask?" I asked.
"Your playing with your sleeve and zoning out," Nick pointed out.
"Oh, I don't know, anyone want another milkshake? I was about to get one." I asked quickly so I could get away from the table.
"Max," Tara said.
"Yeah?" I asked.
"You've got half of your left," Tara said.
"Oh...so I have," I said.
"Max, what's going on? You've been acting weird since yesterday?" Darcy asked.
"Nothing! I'm fine!" I said angrily and walked away from the table.

Why couldn't they just leave it alone!

I walked away and then I heard footsteps and I turned around. It was Charlie.
"Lemme guess, they sent you because you a fast runner?" I asked.
"Well yeah...but that's not the point." he said.
"Well then what is the point?" I asked. "And don't ask me what's wrong," I warned him.

He hesitated.
"Look, I understand what it's like to not to be able to open up to people and I get that it's hard, but we're your friends," He told me.
"I guess so...I mean I guess you might understand what I'm going through," I told him.
"Ok, let's sit down and you can tell me," he suggested.

We sat with our backs against a tree.
"So...what did you wanna talk about?" He asked.
"Urrr...look Nick was upset the other night about his sexuality....and I started researching..." I started.
Charlie stayed silent.
"I did a few quizzes and I was looking online...I got that I was a lesbian." I said. "It kind of made sense...I mean after B*n...I just don't know," I said. There were tears forming in my eyes. "I just feel like such a disappointment," I told him.

"Max...your not a disappointment and it's ok to feel that way...and I'm not saying to just label yourself like that but if you feel like it then that's also ok," he told me.
"Thank you for this....I think I saw it and it scared me." I told him.
"Yeah...it's quite a big deal," he said.

I wiped my eyes and I got back up.
"And Max, whatever you decide...I'll always be there for you," he told me.
"That means a lot, thank you. I feel like I'm more worried about what everyone else will think of me and if they treat me differently than if that is my actual sexuality," I told him.
"Yeah, I did suffer with that a lot last year...it's still not perfect but it's a lot better," Charlie said.
"I'm sorry that people treat you like that," I told him.
"Hey, it's not your fault...now let's go before we're late for the concert," He told me.

I was sat getting ready when I noticed something. Tara and Darcy weren't there.
"Does anyone know where Tara and Darcy are?" The teacher asked.

I got up with Charlie, Nick, Tao and Elle followed.
"Tara!"
"Darcy!"
"We're in here!"

We found them locked in a music room.
"Uhhh you are supposed to be on stage, like right now," Nick said.

We all ran down the corridors and got to our places. I saw mum, Nick, Elle and Tao in the audience.

"Wow, you we're amazing," Mum told me.
"Thanks," I said. I wrapped myself in my coat as we walked to the car.

When we got home, I went to get ready for bed. I walked into my room but Nick was already there...he was sat on my bed with my laptop on his lap...and the quiz results were on the screen.

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