Greys IV - Chains

Chapter 43 - Paradigms

In an attempt to give Jordan the time with James she had requested, I spent my days with Ailech, Kael, and Nevaeh. Sometimes Kael's forest faery girlfriend joined, sometimes Ailech's little brother did, sometimes Chi and her Clan were around, or the scared mini-mouse-mage healer who was always with them, but mainly, it was just Jordan's old Clan, me, and Ailech.

Kael was blissfully unaware that Nevaeh didn't care for me, though to his credit, she hid it better than I would have expected. Kael and I got along swimmingly though - his girlfriend, less so. Levi liked me, which still irked me, but at least Chi and her band of brothers openly hated me with the appropriate intensity I deserved.

Ailech said it wasn't my fault for what I had done, that I was just the instrument used, the bullet, not the finger behind the trigger, but I seriously doubted Syn cared much for that nuance. And even if it was somewhat true some of the time, the vast majority of my targets had been all me - and I had enjoyed them, deeply. And I'm sure at least one of them had loved ones left somewhere, their Clan or Coven, pack or family or ex or whatever. So regardless of whatever niceties Ailech tried to convince himself or me of, I knew exactly what I had done, what I was, and what I deserved because of it.

That was the hardest part of my daily life now - not fighting guilt or shame for what I used to do, but missing it. I craved what I used to be like an addict, how simple it was, how my desires and actions aligned, and all the deliciously taboo things that allowed me to do. In my past, I could just put my head down for weeks at a time and follow orders, finding purpose and pleasure in a job well done, in being the big, bad wolf instead of the fucking pig. But now? Every minute was a goddamn battle with myself, my nature. If anything drove me mad it would be that; denying my nature, not giving into it like everyone thought. You can only lie about who you are for so long before going crazy.

Only Ailech knew my true thoughts inside, the wants, the little razor cuts spreading apart into tears, into chasms. I looked fine on the outside, but I was cracking within. I was a Half, and not some special prophesied Half or second-born Irin who could magically be good, I was just a damned Halfling, a normal one, which meant a corrupted one. A fact everyone kept ignoring or diving into full fledged denial over - because otherwise they would have to face the fact I already had, I was going to go bad or mad and one of them would have to put me down, if we didn't lose and my old Master got me back first. My options were looking top fucking shelf.

I was holding myself back so hard, wound so tight I was suffocating myself, squeezing the life from my own chest. And I genuinely wondered how much longer I could keep it up.

When I had a purpose it was easier - searching for my mother, killing my way through cities to get information for my sister, searching for James even, getting us back safely, but now? Now I was just wasted space with a compulsion I couldn't satisfy, an itch I couldn't scratch. I hadn't killed, tortured or fucked anything in weeks, in whatever order. All I could think about was Shifting, tearing into someone and feeling their hot life on me. Every bloody thought made a shiver of pleasure run my spine, of longing.

I showered nearly every other hour just to shake the feeling, to disrupt my twisted thoughts. My 'panic attacks', as Ailech called them, came more frequently too, and though each one was uniquely horrible, he walked me through them and they were becoming shorter - just a new kind of punishment. I trained some, though holding back so much hardly helped my disposition. But I had to do something to distract myself, anything.

Sometimes it wasn't so bad, sometimes I noticed little light changes in myself, but they were far outweighed by the black and bloody. I loved my sister? Good for me. I also wanted to slowly skin her alive because I was curious at what point she would stop me. And if she didn't, I could end an Irin. And I wanted to, because in my fucked up brain that meant I was stronger, better. Which meant I wasn't worthless. I trusted Ailech? Of course. I also wanted to break that trust and use my control over him to make him do all the things I fantasized about, to hurt him and make him hurt me, want me, to have a slave forever, stuck with me for as long as I lived. Someone who could never leave me, abandon or disobey me. I liked the kid, Levi, and felt oddly protective of him, but that didn't mean I didn't want to impale him on one of the branches in his beloved forest like a scarecrow so he could watch over it forever. I wanted to do good but just as much of me wanted the opposite - needed it. And needs always eventually beat out wants.