Just A Thought

10

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What has just happened?

I feel empty even though my whole body hurts. I feel empty even though I'm covered in bruises. I feel empty even though I feel blood dripping out of my nose on the pillow.

I want to lie here forever and just die. I want it to end. I want it all to end.

After I process what happened I try to get up. My body aches and there's blood all over my thighs.

I look around and realise I'm in my room.

I get off of the bed and stumble to the door. My vision goes black for a few seconds and I almost pass out.

I quickly lock the door. I don't want anyone to find me here. I don't want anyone to ever know.

My hands are shaking and I feel cold.

I fall onto my knees as I search for clothes. I can't keep myself up.

I slowly walk in the bathroom with my hand on the wall trying to keep myself standing.

As soon as I enter I fall over and throw up in the toilet.

My breaths are heavy and I feel the panic flood me. No not now. I need to clean everything up and I don't have my painkillers.

I lean my head on the wall behind me and try to calm myself down. You're okay Valeri. You're okay.

But am I?

I survive the panic attack like every night and as it ends I just sit there for I don't know how long.

I can see them every time I close my eyes. I can feel them touching me where I didn't want to.

I get up throw the clothes off of me and go in the shower and put the water as hot as it can go. It's burning my skin hopefully deleting all traces of them. But I know that's not possible.

I can clean the blood but I can't clean their touch. I rub my arms and thighs as hard as I can but the cold of their hands stays there.

I feel dirty. I feel like my body isn't mine anymore and I can't imagine looking at myself in the mirror. I don't want to see my bruised cheeks. I don't want to see my bleeding nose. I don't want to see my body that isn't really mine anymore.

How could I let it happen? Did I want it? I know my body liked it. But my mind didn't. What does that mean? Did they really do something wrong?

I don't want to look down. I don't want to look at my body because I know what I'm going to see.

I turn the water off and step out. Now I can't avoid the mirror.

I'm staring in my unrecognisable body. The bruises are getting bigger and bigger. There are red lines on both of my wrists.

I look at my face. My cheek is swollen and red. I know it will be blue by tomorrow.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? I can't stay in my room for the rest of the week or even more.

And how am I supposed to hide everything when we go swimming? Should I find Alex or Zach or anyone?

But I can't face Madelin. I just can't. I know she didn't do anything wrong but knowing that her cousin was in my room tonight...

What if they come back? What if this will continue?

I open the drawer under the sink and find a gauze. I clean up the cuts that were probably made by their fingernails.