Just A Thought

12

It has been two days. I've spent most of the time sleeping in my room. I'm not feeling any better. At least not mentally. I don't have fever anymore even though I tell others I still do, so they let me be in my room.

I didn't have any panic attacks. Thanks to the pills. I was high most of the time. They help me keep my mind off things.

I cut myself more often. It just makes me feel better even though I feel like shit after I realise what I have done.

Alex and Zach came in my room a few times. Lach and the others too. But I pretended I was sleeping. They left some food. I ate enough to keep myself alive but flushed other down the toilet.

A knock on my door wakes me up and I sit up confused. How many did I take?

I get to the door and open it.

My brother.

He looks worried. "Are you still sick?"

"I don't know. Probably." I say. I think I took to many painkillers.

Alex puts a hand on my forehead. "Nope. Get downstairs. You slept for five days straight."

Five days?!

"Five?" I ask confused. Yup I've taken too much.

"Yeah."

"Alright."

"What's alright? Valeri." He looks at me with furrowed eyebrows.

"Oh nothing. Why are you here?"

"We're going to the beach if you want to come."

Beach? Fuck.

"Okay but I won't swim." I say slowly.

"Why not?"

"My head still hurts a bit."

"Oh okay I'll see you downstairs."

I change my clothes. I don't even bother looking at myself in the mirror because I know what I'm going to see. The bruises aren't getting any better.

I put on some sweatpants and a plain tee-shirt. I make sure the cuts are invisible to others.

As I'm done I get downstairs where Alex is waiting for me.

I get to him without saying anything. My head hurts and my legs are aching because of the scars on my thighs. I just want to go back to sleep.

I follow him outside and down to the beach. I can hear the others having fun. I wish I could have fun too.

At least it isn't that hot outside though it is warm enough to wear shorts.

"How are you feeling?" My brother asks me.

"Tired." I say. "And my head hurts as fuck."

"Have you already taken painkillers?"

"No." I lie.

He opens his bag pocket and takes out pills. He puts one in my hand. "Here."