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Ever since I shared my middl...
The following is an actual letter to the author. It contains references to rape and sexual exploitation. Identifying information has been removed.
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Dear Meghan, I'm 17 and I still don't think I know what romantic love is and it's causing me distress. I was raped and touched inappropriately multiple times by an older man right after 7th grade ended. I thought I could trust him but I was wrong. He demanded explicit pictures of me and I complied because he threatened me with violence if I did not. I didn't report what happened to me until over 2 years later and I am still dealing with C-PTSD from it.
My rapist was my first real "boyfriend" and since being with him, I've dated many other abusive guys. I'm really frustrated that I don't know what romantic love is. So frustrated, in fact, that it's caused me to do some things that I'm ashamed of. I've been petty towards girls who have healthy relationships/have only had consensual sex/are confident in themselves in their bodies. It's because I've had so many toxic relationships/I've never had consensual sex/I struggle with drug addiction and anorexia and somehow it made me "feel better" to be petty towards them. I hate that my jealousy makes me into a person I'm definitely not. I feel so flawed and defective because of what happened to me, which is no excuse for being unkind. How do I get over it?
Sincerely, Why Do I Resent Other Girls?
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Dear WSIROG,
I'm so sorry for what happened to you after 7th grade. You already know it wasn't your fault. From the way you describe your experience, it's clear that you have a solid start on working through the lingering C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, for those readers lucky enough not to know) with a good therapist. I'm proud of you for doing that work, and I hope you'll continue in therapy for anorexia and addiction. Yoga was also incredibly helpful for me in overcoming a years-long eating disorder; I recommend any kind of grounding physical activity that reminds you how powerful and awesome your body is and always has been.
Regarding your behavior toward other girls, what happened in the past can't be undone, but it can be accounted for. If there is someone in particular you've harmed, deliver an honest and serious apology. This might come in the form of a handwritten letter or a private, face-to-face conversation. It's up to them whether they forgive you, and depending on how "petty" you were, they might not. But once you've held yourself accountable and committed to changing your behavior in the future, you will begin to feel some peace around your past actions. Then practice how you want to be going forward. Seek out opportunities to demonstrate how loving you can be.
The feelings of resentment might not disappear immediately, but they'll fade as your self-confidence grows. This will naturally happen once you start celebrating other girls instead of envying them, and it will become an easier and easier habit to keep over time. Friendly love can be practiced quite easily in this way.
Romantic love, though, isn't something that can (or should) be rushed. It makes sense that you're curious about dating, but there's no need for distress. At 17 years old, you probably still have a long, emotional rollercoaster ride of a dating journey ahead of you. You want that ride to be fun, not terrifying! So take your time. You've been through a lot already, and recovering from sexual trauma can be a long process.
Focus on your attitude toward potential friends for now. Once you're comfortable maintaining friendships, romantic relationships will make much more sense. Because when you do fall in love with someone, you'll want them to be the kind of person you can trust, have fun with, and learn from. The kind of person you'd choose as a friend.
In solidarity, Meghan
Disclaimer: This advice column is for informational and entertainment purposes only. I'm not a licensed mental health professional and the advice provided is not intended to replace professional advice. Neither I nor Wattpad bears responsibility for any outcomes resulting from the advice given.
